Turnbull China Bikeride/Turnbull China Bikeride - Disc 1.iso/ARGONET/PD/TEXT/HUMOUR/ARCHIVE/980713.TXT

Internet Message Format | 1998-07-12 | 433KB

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 14 Dec 97 (22:47:26 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] This weeks batch #1 (For Adults Only!)

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On
returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom.

-----

Marriage
- When my wife and I divorced, we split the house fifty-fifty. She got the
inside and I got the outside.

- My wife complained that cleaning the house nearly kills her. So I bought
us a bigger house.

- I met my wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a vacation and I
was the last resort.

- I bought my wife an electric typewriter. Now I'm looking for a chair to
match.

-----

Boss spelled backwards is, double S O B.

-----

You Know You're a Mother When....
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they are equal.
You plot to get even with the kid who broke your child's toy and made him cry.
You can remove chewing gum from just about anything.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party, and you can keep eating.
You believe finger paints should be a controlled substance.
You read "Once Upon A Potty" out loud in a crowded waiting room.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You tell your child that TOYS R US is a toy museum, not a store.
You find yourself cutting all sandwiches into unusual shapes.
You fast-forward the VCR through the scene where Bambi's mother gets killed.
You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.
You obsess when your child clings to you during the first week of school.
You obsess again as they skip away without looking back the second week.
You can't bear to give away baby clothes.
You hear your mom's voice coming out of your mouth: "Not in your good
clothes".
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
You donate to charity in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
You read a 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day. You feel your kid is above
average.
You hire a sitter; go out with hubby; then spend half the night phoning home.

-----

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said
"I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed
by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company
also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

-----

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer technician are discussing the merits of
a mistress. The artist tells of the excitement, the passion, and the thrill
which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,
bankruptcy. Not worth it...  too many problems he says.

The computer technician says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to
me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with
my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

-----

TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours. (No, the pieces are probably still mine.)

-----

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery
picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked
over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he hada lot of laundry
to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing
his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog
died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the rinse cycle!"

-----

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband
turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy
nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything
he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and
pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice,
tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"

-----

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's
toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, Jon, but I don't know
what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

-----

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog
he doted on.  The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked,"Father, the dog is dead. Could you  be saying a mass for the
creature?"

Father Patrick replied,  "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the
church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they
believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

-----

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the
time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.  He said, "My dad's way faster
than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fastball from the pitcher's mound
and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah?  Well my dad can shoot an arrow from
his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits
the bullseye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than
mine. My dad's a civil servant, and even though he works every day until
4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

-----

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven.  He's met by the reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of
the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all
of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next
eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins
to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent
"Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in
the library.

The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair,
crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."

A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks
him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They
left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

-----

"Hey, man, you look terrible," Brad remarked to his friend Pete. "What's up?"

"Two months ago, my aunt Betty died -- and left me $20,000," Pete replied.

"Sorry to hear about that.  Is that why you're bummed out?"

Pete shook his head.  "Last month, my grandfather died -- and left me
$50,000."

"Two deaths in two months," Brad said. "That's tough."

"But this month," Pete sighed, "nothing."

-----

An Airman sits down at a bar and leans over to the guy next to him. He says
"Wanna hear a MARINE joke?".

The guy replies in a gravely voice, "Before you tell that joke, you should
know something.  I'm 6' tall, weigh 200 pounds, and I'm a MARINE.  The guy
sitting next to me is 6' 2" tall, weighs 220 pounds, and is a MARINE.  The
guy sitting next to him is 6' 4" tall, weighs 250 pounds, and is a MARINE.
Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The Airman thinks about it for a minute then says "Naw, I don't want to
have to explain it three times."

-----

40 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED

1)  NOT KISSING FIRST.  Avoiding her lips and diving straight
for the erogenous zones makes her feel  like you're paying by the
hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out
nonessentials.  A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2)  BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.  Admit it, some kid at school
told you girls love this.  Well, there's a difference between being
erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on
your 50th birthday cake.  That hurts.

3)  NOT SHAVING.  You often forget you have a porcupine strapped
to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and
thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.

4)  SQUEEZING HER BREAST.  Most men act like a housewife
testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.
Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5)  BITING HER NIPPLES.  Why do men fasten onto a woman's
nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via
her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.  They can't stand up to
chewing.  Lick and suck them gently.  Flicking your tongue across
them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6)  TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.  Stop doing that thing where you
twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to
find a radio station in a hilly area.  Focus on the whole breasts,
not just the exclamation points.

7)  IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.  A woman is not a
highway with just three turnoffs:  Breastville East and West, and
the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina.  So start paying them some attention.

8)  GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.  Poor manual dexterity in the
underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants.  If
you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn
things off.

9)  LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.  Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility.  You wore it, you store it.

10)  ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.  Direct pressure is very unpleasant,
so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11)  STOPPING FOR A BREAK.  Women, unlike men, don't pick up
where they left off.  If you stop, they plummet back to square one
very fast.  If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all
costs, numb jaw or not.

12)  UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.  Women hate looking stupid, but
stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck
over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13)  GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.  Stroking her gently
through her panties can be very sexy.  Pulling the material up
between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14)  BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.  Although most men can find
the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is
where it's all at.  No sooner is your hand down there than you're
trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney.  This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried away.  It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and
the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
inside her and see if she likes it.

15)  MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.  You're attempting to give her a
sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood.  Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16)  UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.  Don't force the issue by stripping
before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off,
even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17)  TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.  A man in socks and underpants
is a at his worst.  Lose the socks fist.

18)  GOING TOO FAST.  When you get to the penis-in-vagina
situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an
industrial power tool - she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line worker
made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean,
straight, regular thrusts.

19)  GOING TOO HARD.  If you bash your great triangular hip
bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of
horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20)  COMING TOO SOON.  Every man's fear.  With reason.  If you
shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a
backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21)  NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.  It may appear to you that humping
for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her
it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina.  At least buy some
intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest
while you're playing Marathon Man.

22)  ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.  You really ought to be able to
tell. Most women make noise.  But if you really don't know, don't
ask

23)  PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.  Don't act like a giant cat
at a saucer of milk.  Get your whole mouth down there, and
concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24)  NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.  Men persist in doing this until
she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.  It's about three steps from
being dragged to a cave by their hair.  If you want her to use her
mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25)  NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.  Sperm tastes like sea
water mixedwith egg white.  Not everybody likes it.  When she's
performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.

26)  MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.  Don't thrust.  She'll do
all the moving during fellatio.  You just lie there.  And don't grab
her head.

27)  TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES.  In X-rated
movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.  In real
life, it just means more laundry to do.

28)  MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.  Asking her to be on top
is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is
not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner.  And let her have a rest.

29)  ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions.  If you want to put it there, ask her first.  And don't
think that being drunk is an excuse.

30)  TAKING PICTURES.  When a man says, "Can I take a photo of
you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies."  At least let
her have custody of them.

31)  NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.  Imagination is anything from
drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it
off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot
candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32)  SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS.  There is no less erotic
noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33)  ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.  If she wants to do advanced
yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get
too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with
snapped hamstrings.

34)  LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.  Read this carefully:  Anal
stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate.  Women don't

35)  GIVING LOVE BITES.  It is highly erotic to exert some
gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully.  No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks
on end.

36)  BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.  Don't shout encouragement like a
coach with a megaphone.  It's not a big turn-on.

37)  TALKING DIRTY.  It makes you sound like a lonely magazine
editor calling a 1-900 line.  If she likes nasty talk, she'll let
you know

38)  NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.  You have to finish the job.
Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the
same for you.

39)  SQUASHING HER.  Men generally weigh more than women, so if
you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40)  THANKING HER.  Never thank a woman for having sex with you.
Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

-----

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by
rubbing first his chest and then his groin.  When he finishes the Scotsman
and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus
Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my
speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one
better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler
symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and
his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and
groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an
antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and
then masturbating
furiously.  When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies
and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

-----

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the
sea.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye
patch.  The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks.  Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit
my leg off"

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the
pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors
with swords.  One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.  "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A
seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye
to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

-----

This is a true story from a coutroom in America.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the
whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."  "Well put," the judge
replied.  "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's
imprisonment.  He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 14 Dec 97 (22:47:42 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Batch #2

50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE SCREEN.
ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV!!

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level
on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building without difficulty.

8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. The chief of police is always black.

14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note - just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the
exact fare.

15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.

18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable
to bullets.

21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.

22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax
and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
technology.

25. All single women have a cat.

26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than
20 men firing at one.

29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
investigated.

30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically
beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any
of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessor.

33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you
are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste.

39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
system is never damaged.

40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the
vicinity.

41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives
at least 20 minutes to escape.

43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
eighth birthday.

44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions -
can be played without moving the fingers.

45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw
the gun away.  You can always buy a new one.

48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 14 Dec 97 (22:47:49 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Batch #3 (Warning: Rude!)

Husband and wife were laying in bed. Husband reached over and nudged wife.

She said "What do you want"?  He said "You know."

She said,  "Can't, I have to see my gynecologist tomorrow."

He said, "Oh".  Later, husband reached over and nudged wife again.

She said, "I told you I had to see my doctor tomorrow."

He said, "But you don't have to see your dentist, do you?"

-----

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip.  He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to
get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't
much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He
thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man
for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special
to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well,I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick.  We have vibrating dildos,  special attachments, and so on but I
don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except --" and he stopped.

"Except what?"  the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me!  I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box,carved with strange symbols.  He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman  laughed, and said "Big f***ing
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."  The voodoo dick rose out of
its  box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The
whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the
middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!"  The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered
to $700 in cash.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that to use it,all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my
pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered
the voodoo dick.She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like
nothing she'd ever experienced before.  After three orgasms, she decided
she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.  So she decided to go to
the hospital to see if they could help.  She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of
the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman.  He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink.  Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo
dick, my ass!"

-----

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the
train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers
cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The
conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So after
the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return
trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are
you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant."Watch
and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three
accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another
one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says,"Ticket, please..."

-----

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why
she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,
Mrs. Santos, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for
birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep
better at night."

-----

A traveling salesman was browsing in a pet shop looking for something that
would be a companion for his wife while he was away on his long road trips.

The salesman was standing there looking frustrated when the pet shop owner
came up to him. "I've got just the thing," he said. "What's that," the
salesman asked. "A bird - a parrot," the owner said. "A parrot makes a
great pet. And it will keep your wife company by talking to her when you're
gone."

The salesman thought about it for a moment and finally agreed to look at
the owner's stock of pet parrots. Well, the birds were beautiful, but much
more expensive than he'd imagined. Except for one peculiar looking parrot
squatting on its perch in the corner away from the other birds.

"Why's that one so cheap?" the salesman asked. The pet shop owner shook his
head at the bird. "That poor thing was born with no legs," he said The
salesman stared at the bird. "How does he stay on the perch?" The pet shop
owner grew red-faced with embarrassment. "He wraps his penis around the
perch."

"You're kidding," the salesman said. "No," the owner said. "And another
thing. This bird repeats everything it sees. It's a very intelligent bird."

"Really?" the salesman said. "Yep," the owner replied. "Parrot, what did I
do today?" The parrot ruffled its feathers. "Awk, rang up sales.Awk,rang up
sales."

"What else did I do today?" the owner asked. "Awk, fed the animals. Fed the
animals."

Well, the salesman was really impressed. He bought the bird and took it
home. His wife was just as impressed with the present her husband brought
home and told him so. She placed the parrot and his cage in the living
room. The next day, the salesman came home from his office and walked up to
the parrot. "Well parrot, what did my wife do today?"

"Awk, watched soap operas. Awk, watched soap operas," the parrot replied.
"What else did she do?"

"Awk, cooked supper. Cooked supper." Satisfied, the salesman went into the
kitchen to greet his wife. Well several weeks passed, and the salesman
returned from one of his long sales trips. After kissing his wife hello, he
walked up to the parrot which was sitting quietly on its perch.

"Well parrot, tell me what happened while I was gone." The parrot ruffled
its feathers. "Awk, neighbor John came over. Awk, neighbor John."

"What happened then?" the salesman asked becoming suspicious. "Awk,neighbor
John began kissing your wife. Awk, kissing your wife," the parrot said with
a whistle.

"And then."

"Awk, neighbor John unbuttoned her blouse and fondled your wife's breast.
Awk, fondled her breast."

"And then."

"Awk, they got undressed. Awk, undressed."

"And what happened then?" the salesman said angrily.

"What happened then?" the parrot squawked, tilting its head. "Awk, don't
know what happened. Awk, got a hard on and fell off the perch. Awk."

-----

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill out his schedule.
The only one available was Wildlife Zoology.

After one week, the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet
of paper divided into squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture
of some bird legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each
student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry. Finally
he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the
teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever taken."

The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked this test.
What is your name?"

The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs and
replied, "You tell me!"

-----

When the body was first made, all the parts of the body wanted to be "the
boss".

Brain said, "I'm the boss, as I control everything."

Feet said, "I'm the boss, without me you'd get nowhere."

Hands said, "I must be boss, as I do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on.  Heart, Lungs, Eyes all claimed to be boss until finally
Arsehole spoke up.  And all the other parts laughed at the idea of Arsehole
being boss.

So, Arsehole went on strike.  Arsehole refused to work, and was completely
blocked.

Within a short space of time:
Brain became fevered
Eyes became crossed
Hands clenched
Feet twitched
Heart and Lungs struggled.

So they eventually voted that Arsehole should be boss.

Moral:
All the other parts of the body do the work, while Arsehole, as boss, just
sits there giving out a load of shit.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Andy Loukes <[e-mail]>
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon  5 Jan 98 (11:18:38 +0000)
Subject: Forwarded mail....



--
Andy Loukes

Internet Business Development                 http://www.argonet.co.uk
Argo Interactive                              tel:[phone]
7 Dukes Court, Chichester, PO19 2FX           fax:[phone]


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 04 Jan 1998 20:14:54 +0000
From: Roger Loukes <[e-mail]>
To: [e-mail]

Date: Mon, 29 Dec 1997 10:35:04 -0500
From: [e-mail] (NORMAN GRIBBINS)
Subject: Air Force Maintenance Complaints

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US
> > Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
> >
> >
> > Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
> > Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
> >
> > Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
> > Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
> >
> > Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
> > Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
> >
> > Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
> > Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
> >
> > Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
> > Solution: "Evidence removed."
> >
> > Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
> > Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
> >
> > Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
> > Solution: "Live bugs on order."
> >
> > Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
> > descent."
> > Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
> >
> > Problem: "IFF inoperative."
> > Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
> >
> > Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
> > Solution: "That's what they're there for."
> >
> > Problem: "Number three engine missing."
> > Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
> >
> >





From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Tue 22 Apr 97 (12:53:43 +0800)
Subject: Awooooga! RUDE JOKES!

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to
share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he
was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied
with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead
of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a
picket to Titsburg!"!

An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a
similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at
the breakfast table, and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please
pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining
my fucking life!"

---

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

---

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it
and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


---

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want
to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her
ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

---

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

---

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several
years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the
doctor
who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right
breast
to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his
wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a
real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't
want the
man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the
man replies "She choked."


Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 28 Apr 97 (09:47:40 +0800)
Subject: Woman...

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree with all her likes, she is abusing
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced' man
If you don't, you are half a man
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that a girl's way
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
If she visited by another, oh it's natural, we are girls
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

Oh, God! You created those creature called "Woman"
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
O! tell me what to do.



Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 26 May 97 (21:47:20 +0800)
Subject: *** Warning - Rude Jokes!! ***

This mother superior and her little nuns were out bike riding.  At
the first speed bump all the little nuns start to giggle, and peddle
a little harder.  At the second they giggle harder and peddle harder,
at the third they start to groan and peddle harder.  At the fourth
with much groaning, moaning and sweating as well and some very hard
peddling the mother superior turns around and says, "Stop all that or
you'll have to put the seats back on!!!"

-----

Q:  What does a priest and a christmas tree have in common?
A:  The balls are just for decoration.

-----

Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area.  One day the mother
superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave.  "You're
going into a sinful world," she said.  "I must warn you that men will
take advantage of you.  They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you
to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you.  Then
they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother," one of the teenagers said.  "You mean men will
take advantage of us and give us money?"

Yes child.  Why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy."

-----

Two guys walk into a bar.  One is a huge monster of a man, and the
other a slight, small man.  They walk up to the bar and order drinks.
About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun.  He
walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says,
"You've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the
rest of your life?"

The big guy says, "I want to fuck everything that moves!"

The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "You've got
fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"

The little guy says, "Stand real still!"

-----

A woman goes to the dentist for an exam.  The dentist examines her
and declares, "That tooth will have to come out."  The lady replied,
"OOOHHH!  I think I'd rather have a baby!"  To that the dentist
replied, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!"



Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 26 May 97 (21:48:10 +0800)
Subject: Bumper Pack of Jokes

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as
hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met
a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

-----

Top ten reasons why suicide is better then sex:

10 ... you can still commit suicide when you're drunk off your ass
9  ... you don't have to worry about "safe suicide"
8  ... nobody wakes you up to ask for more
7  ... no limit to the number of techniques
6  ... nobody ever asks for a long-term suicide committment
5  ... who cares if you get a disease?
4  ... doing it by yourself is just as good!
3  ... easier then finding a date on a Saturday night
2  ... nobody ever complains about "bad suicide"

AND THE TOP REASON ...

1  ... you don't have to clean up the mess!!!

-----

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman
screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down
the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing
watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman,
clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming
for someone to save her baby.

The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby
and I'll catch it!"

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and
she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for
Ireland's national football team. I've never missed a match in ten years
and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."

"What? Not once?" calls the woman.

"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world
agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been".

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeepers stance - legs apart and
slightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and
with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body,
with palms facing forward.

"OK!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she
comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby
from the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the
woman's watch with the result that the child goes spinning off to one
side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.
The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish
because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling
further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is
only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across
the sidewalk, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand,
pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand
and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless
on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his
feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive.

The crowd is awe-struck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the
woman, still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man,
still clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd
of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation. Then, slowly and
gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the
ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

-----

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her
husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and
asks what to do about it.

The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do
the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night
and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the
pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the
therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what
would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't
know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist
that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave
her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know;
it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could
do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the
bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:
"Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental
pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin'
in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

-----

STORY 1 WITH A MORAL

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is
sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes
a fox, out for a walk.

Fox    : "What are you working on?"
Rabbit : "My thesis."
Fox    : "Hmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit : "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
Fox    : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit : "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes,
gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes
typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf   : " What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)
Wolf   : " you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit : " No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns
by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Finally a bear
comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit : " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear   : "Well that's absurd!
Rabbit : "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS
       WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR
PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU.

-----

STORY 2 WITH A MORAL

Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside
his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox  : "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken" Lion : "Oh, I
        can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox  : "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws
        will only destroy it even more"
Lion : "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
(incredulous pause)
Fox  : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great
        claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion : "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed".

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with
the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion
continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.
Wolf : "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is
broken"
Lion : "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
(loud guffaws)
Wolf : "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you?. There is
        no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"
Lion : " No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a
perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and
intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work
with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion
looking very pleased with himself.

Moral: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK
       OF HIS STUDENTS.

In the context of the working world: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE
UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.



Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 26 May 97 (21:49:03 +0800)
Subject: *** Warning: Rude Jokes!!! ***

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
private part erect, can you help me?"  After a complete examination
the doctor tells Jack, "There's really nothing I can do for you
except if your willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks
sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what
we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and
implant them in your organ."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl
friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the
pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His organ immediately sprung from
his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a banana and then
returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then
said with a sly smile, "That was incredible!  Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another
banana in my ass."

-----

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked
for.

Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed
what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he
couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked
holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.....

-----

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the
newspaper, mister?"

A bird," the guy replied.  The little girl walked away and the guy
fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't
know.

I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the
next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

-----

Jack was a junior bank executive and Jack had swindled one hundred
thousand dollars from his bank all of which he'd lost gambling.

The bank examiners were coming the next day and when Jack confessed the
whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally
despondent, Jack walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it
about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, "Young man, don't do that!  There is no
need to end your life!  I'm a witch and I can help you."

"I doubt it," Jack said sadly, "I've stolen one hundred thousand
dollars from the bank, for which I will probably be arrested for
tomorrow, and my wife has left me."

"Young man, witches can do anything," she said.  "I'm going to
perform a witch miracle." She said, "Alakazam! the hundred thousand
dollars has been replaced and there's another one hundred thousand
dollars in your safe deposit box! Alakazam! Your wife is back home again!"

Jack looked at her in disbelief, "Is this all true? Jack asked.
Of course," she said, "but to keep it true you must do one thing."

"Anything!" Jack said, "Anything!"

"You must take me to a motel and have sexual intercourse with me."

Jack stared at her. She was an ugly old woman dressed in rags.
Nevertheless, Jack agreed to her terms. Jack took her to a motel and
screwed her all night. In the morning, as Jack was getting dressed and
combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching
silently. Finally, she asked, "Sonny, how old are you?"

"I'm twenty nine," Jack said.

"Tell me something, then," she said.  "Aren't you a little too old
to believe in witches?"

-----

A man moved to an Antarctica village because of his new job. This
village had many men, but no women.  After a few days, the
man started getting horny. He asked his boss, "What do you guys
do when you're horny here?"

The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll
show it to you." The boss then took him to the hole and told him to
put his penis in the hole. The man did.

After a few minutes the man took his penis out and was very
satisfied. He told his boss, "Wow! That was really great, I'm going to
put my penis in the hole every day of the week!"

"Not Thursdays!" said the boss.

Confused, the man asked, "Why, what's wrong with Thursdays?"

The boss answered, "That's your day to be in the barrel!"

-----

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather
curious.

He had been hearing a bit about 'courting' from other boys and
wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day, he took his questions to his mom, she became frustrated.
Instead of explaining things to him, she told him to hide behind
the curtains one night and watch his older sister and boyfriend.

This he did, and the following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mom.

He says:"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned
most of the lights. Then he started to hug and kiss her, I figured she
must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must
have thought so too because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her
heart just like a doctor would. Except he's not as good as a doctor,
because he seemed to have problems finding her heart.

He was getting sick too because soon both of them began panting
and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting
cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward
the end of the couch.

Finally I found out what was making them so sick...... a BIG EEL
had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there 8 or 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in
one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really
scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started
>>calling out to god and stuff like that.

I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head
off. All of the sudden, she let the eel go. I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped over the eel's head to keep
it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a scissor locked on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel.

The eel put a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the
eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was
dead 'cause it just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend a little tired from the battle, but
they went on courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel
wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats...... they have 9 lives of something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on
it.

After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel.
I know it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin
and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

"Hmmm...... I guess she hasn't seen too many eels."

-----

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They
hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment
for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making
passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that
Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have
been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was
going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled.

"That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."

-----

Three dogs, a Spaniel, an Alsatian and a Great Dane are sitting in the
vet's waiting room. They start chatting. The Spaniel, it transpires,
caused a fatal car accident, while the Alsatian savaged a paperboy.

Both are there to be put down. The Great Dane had mounted his
mistress while she bent over to clean the bath and had his way.

"So you're here to be put down too?" asks the Spaniel.

"No," replies the Dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."



Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Tue 27 May 97 (01:48:19 +0800)
Subject: [Joke] The Honeymoon's over

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it
yourself.



Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
  [e-mail]     or     [e-mail]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 00:33:29 +0000 (GMT)
From: Robert Boltman <[e-mail]>
To: Andy Loukes <[e-mail]>
Subject: Spooky... (fwd)


Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
 0
Both wives lost their children while living at the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.  Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.



Yours bored at work,



Steve




From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 21 Dec 97 (22:42:01 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Xmas edition!? (*Rude*)

Some classic moments in journalism:

Jon Snow:  "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes."  (Channel 4 News)

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no
different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)

"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a
goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)

"Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names."
(Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)

"Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but
if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting
cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of
Sleeper) in Q Magazine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)

Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off
at the altar on my wedding day."
Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" (Talk Radio)

Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." (BBC
Radio 4)

Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the
woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule,
we'd get a sort of half-mammoth."
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)

Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after
that!"
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw
that." (BBC)

-----

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.  He looks
around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman
notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of
hours.

The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before,
to which the priest says no.  He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it
a shot father".

After a  few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it
in the  boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch" !!!

Priest:  "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language".

Fisherman:  (THINKING QUICKLY) I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish
is called - a sonofabitch.

Priest:  Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know.

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest:  Look at this big sonofabitch.

Bishop:  Please, mind your language, this is a house of God.

Priest:  No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it.  I caught this sonofabitch.

Bishop: Hmmm.  You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have
it for dinner.

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.

Bishop: Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight.

Head Mother: My lord, what language.

Bishop: No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonafabitch. Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.?

Head Mother: Hmmm...Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.

Well, the Pope stops By for dinner with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great.  He asks where they got it.

Priest: I caught the Sonofabitch...

Bishop:  and I cleaned the sonofabitch...

Head Mother: And I cooked the sonofabitch...

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off
his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says: You know, you fuckers are
alright.

-----

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to  be
able  to get  to the top of yonder tree", sighed  the pheasant, "but I
haven't got the energy".

"Well, why don't you nibble  on some of my  droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed  with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some  more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get  you to  the  top, but it won't keep you there.

-----

A guy is talking to God and asks, "Hey, God? What does 100 million years
seem like to you?"

God answers, "One hundred million years?  That's like a second to me."

Then the man asks, "Hey God?  What's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

And God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure.  Just wait a second

-----

" i think my son is home from college",one neighbour told another.
"How do you know?"
" Well, i haven't heard from him in three weeks & my car is missing".

-----

Son: "Mom, I was sitting on a bus with dad when he asked me to give up my
seat for a lady"
Mom: " That's the right thing to do".
Son: " But, mom, I was sitting on dad's lap"

-----

One day, a man spotted a lamp on the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously & a genie appearead. " I'll grant u your fondest wish," the
genie said.

The man thought for a while, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job
that no man has ever suceeded at or has ever attempted to do."

" Poof" said the genie & turned the guy into a housewife...

-----

The best definition of mixed feelings is when your mother-in-law borrows
your new BMW & drives off a cliff.

-----

If you want a perfect stereo for your car then let your wife sit in front &
your mother-in-law in the back.

-----

Two friends met. " You look sad , Fred, what's the trouble?" asked the
first friend.

" Domestic trouble"

" But you always bragged that your wife's a pearl"

" She still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble"

-----

Here's how Star Trek would've sounded, if Dr. Seuss had written it:

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

THE END

-----

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat
questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his
big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in
order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in
the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to
get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined
not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it
in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living
room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn
started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and
poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate
relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing,
wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass
of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those
things!"

-----

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting
there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make; the
reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very flat
chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The
guy thought about it for a while and said he does not mind she is flat
because sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he
also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist, he's built
just like a baby. If the girl wanted to cancel the wedding, it is okay with
him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
because she also believed there are other things far more important than
sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they were so honest with each other and continue to
Las Vegas where they were married. In their motel on the wedding night, the
girl took off her clothes... sure enough, she is as flat as a washboard.
Then, finally, the guy takes off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's
naked body, the girl fainted dead away and fell to the floor.

After she regained her senses, the guy asked; "What's the matter, I told
you before we got married; why did you faint?"

The girl replied, " You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy responded; " Yes, that's right: 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

-----

35 Facts About Women

1.Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they're actually in control.

2.Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3.Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet; you "just don't understand".

4.Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can
hear them.

5.Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort
to trap you into feeling guilty.

6.Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if they have nothing to say.

7.Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's
why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey type shows are so successful.

8.Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man
*wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9.Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10.Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And
they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or
three people.

11.Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.

12.Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's
doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13.Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they
wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14.Women think all beer is the same.

15.Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in
the shower.

16.After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.

17.Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them
of how horrible things *could* be.

18.If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes
and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll
pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each
day.

19.Women brush their hair before bed.

20.Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea
about how she'll be in bed.

21.Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

22.Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's
there in the bible". Hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

23.Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

24.Women have better restrooms. Ladies receive the royal treatment in the
ladies room. Gents just get a large bowl to share.

25.The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

26.Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

27.Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.

28.A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

29.Woman have legs only so they won't leave tracks like snails.

30.Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of
getting lost using a shortcut.

31.Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

32.PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.

33.The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

34.Women are insecure about their weight, butt and breast sizes.

35.Women can't drive worth shit!!!

-----

Have Yourself a Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [e-mail] -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
>From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.


Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away -wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

-----

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a
baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news
that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?  Finally
he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.  She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day
the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the
shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the bitter butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too.
Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the
last free meat she'll get, and then watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free
milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on
HIS face!"


From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sat 17 Jan 98 (18:04:40 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] 1st of 1998!

Politically Correct Nativity
============================

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who
was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling
clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the
inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you
tidings
of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be
strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as
religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols
were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole
thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's
a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there
near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone
that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side
and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch
it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said.
"No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered
dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was
painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture.

"Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard
homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said
she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention
to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then,
she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a
third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse,
since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and
manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where
arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer
and
seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's
unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy
debating
whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be
shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping
around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses
and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal
message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger
births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are
"penned
environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no
opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the
obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was
elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said
sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison
guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin
identifies
us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped
patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi
are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're
all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said
one of
the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A
committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person
among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son
will change the world."

At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and
confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though.
Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in
ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business
about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message,
'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big
in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far.
Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other
pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not
chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

-----

The Top 15 Rejected Theme Songs for the Movie "Titanic"
=======================================================

15> Ironic
14> Under The Sea
13> Dancing on the Ceiling
12> Ice Ice Baby
11> FreeBerg
10> Smoke on the Water
9>  Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
8>  99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall... the Floor... the Wall... the Ceiling...
    the Other Wall...
7>  MmmBerg
6>  Candle In The Water, 1912  ("Goodbye, English boat...")
5>  When I'm Sixty-Four (Farenheit)
4>  Hey, You, Get Offa My Raft
3>  Achy Breaky Hull
2>  Jump
1>  Whoomp, There it Is!

-----

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad New Year's Eve Party
==================================================

10. Instead of Dom Perignon '85, it's Dom DeLuise '91.
9. Martha Stewart made your hat out of pine cones and petroleum jelly.
8. The noisemakers are drowned out by all the gunfire.
7. Try as you might, you're only partying like it's 1989.
6. Any combination of Richard Simmons and a diaper.
5. The hors d'oeuvres are something called "Hong Kong Chicken Wings".
4. You scream, "Happy New Year!" and the clerk at the 7-11 says, "Thanks,
man".
3. You're sitting in the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Your name is Robert Downey Jr. and your cellmate wants to give you a New
   Year's kiss.
1. It's June 24th.

-----

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs.
Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in
your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good
wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by
your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife
a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan
when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come
to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for
me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I've had!"

-----

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the
regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates
the causal link between all-weekend parties and work performance. It also
explains why, after a few short years of leaving school and getting
married, most of us cannot keep up with the performance of the new
graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious
alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they
achieved during their learning years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge
we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that
beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you
shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have!

Be all that you can be!

-----

Drug dealers                     Software developers
---------------------------      ---------------------------

Refer to their clients           Refer to their clients
as "users".                      as "users".

"The first one's free!"          "Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East        Have important South-East
Asian connections                Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).        (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:                  Strange jargon:
"Stick" "Rock"                   "SCSI" "RTFM"
"Dime bag" "E".                  "Java" "ISDN".

Realize that there's             Realize that there's
tons of cash in the              tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old               14- to 25-year-old
market.                          market.

Job is assisted by the           Job is assisted by
industry's producing             industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes.        newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company        Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers.           marketing people and venture
                                 capitalists.

Their product causes             DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
unhealthy addictions.            'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and            Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
famous stars who are
dependent on you.

-----

God took Adam to one side in the garden of Eden and explained to him how he
wanted Adam to start the human race with Eve and what he would have to do
to Eve to achieve it.

Adam duly went off, found Eve, and did as he had been told. Afterwards he
lay in the grass quite contented and Eve went off to wash in the river.

Later that day God came back to visit Adam and congratulated him on
successfully starting the human race. " Well done, Adam." he said, "There
is only one problem however. I wish you hadn't let Eve wash in the river
afterwards, because how the hell am I going to get the smell out of the
fish now ?".


Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 22 Feb 98 (23:43:28 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Bumper Pack #2

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at
work.  One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window!
It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed
outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running
along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes
on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the
air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your
clothes on your arm?"

The nuddy answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining."

-----

It got crowded in heaven, so, one day, it was decided only to accept people
who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing
at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you
died".

The man said , "Oh, it was awful.  I was sure my wife was having an affair,
so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment but
couldn't find him anywhere.  So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the
25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I
went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but
landed in some bushes. So, I got the  refrigerator and pushed it over the
balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack,
and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and, that it was a
crime of passion, so he let the man in.  He then asked the next man in line
about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.  "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped
over the
edge.  I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some
maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I
landed in some bushes.  But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start
to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third
man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigerator......

-----

Height of noise, revised:
Two skeletons making love on a tin roof, using tin cans as condoms.

Height of frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of suspense:
Ten gays taking a bath and one drops the soap.

Height of indecision:
Ten gays taking a bath, and nine drop the soap.

Height of Innocence
A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples.

Height of Unemployment
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.

Height of laziness:
Adoption.
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
A man after shitting on the sea-side waiting for the tide to clean his ass.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
A topless lady standing near mount everest.

Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology
Condom with zip.

Height of Pain:
Sliding down a rocky mountain using your balls as brakes.
Screwing a meat mincer.

Height of Expectation:
A gay couple buying a baby's cot.

Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.

-----

Identifying Your Needs
----------------------
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask
yourself exactly why you need one.  Do you want an intellectual companion?
A baby factory?  A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a
girlfriend.

The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the
usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc.
However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to
fringe markets.  For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets
and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit.  You
should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note
that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others
(such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.

Determine Your Budget
---------------------
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford.
The
answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics.
 If
you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of
humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.  On
the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes,
your choices are more limited.  Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection.

Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does
not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required
monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
-------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or
used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age:

Your age     Used or New
--------     -----------
13-18 years  New
19-30 years  Lightly used
31-45 years  Extensively used
45+          New***

***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year.  Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."

New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to
project upon you.  The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to
open a checking account.  Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be
steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does
advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly
higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr).  This may be an indication that
the girlfriend was a professional.

CR's Methodology
----------------
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average male population.

All tests were performed at CR's specially constructed facility, which
included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns
surrounding the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each
product according to the following criteria:

Intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
--------
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity.  Within each category, variation is
not statistically significant.

Category Comments
-----------------
Goddess
This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes equipped with all of the options
you want and none of the ones you don't.  She can argue subtle points of
philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
even
if you don't say it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm.  No mental or
physical
hang-ups.  The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-
This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes in-law with contractual
retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic
father, and a bratty kid.  This model tends to generate gray hairs.

Ms. Right
The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.  Has most of the
characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair
color.
Other than that, an excellent long- term investment.  Availability is
extremely
limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe
This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately
this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy.  Showy, suitable for a
parade or
for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend
The model with the most empathy.  Caring and kind but tends to be
aesthetically
lacking.  Availability is poor to fair depending on quality.

Yeah, Her
The Chevy Nova of girlfriends.  Widely available, but useful only in a
pinch, if
no others are available.  Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull
finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

-----

How do you know when you have walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling

-----

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really
advanced
state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American
Werewolf
in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into
this
bar,
sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I
order,
I'd
like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some
people,
and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me."  The
bartender,
who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a
professional,
and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What
would you
like?"  A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming
right
up,
sir." The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind
the
bar,
ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking
his
guts
out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner
of
his
mouth with a rag, the leper says, "Look, I told you I would
understand.
You
didn't have to go through that for my sake!" To which the
bartender
replied, "I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I
would
have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk
next
to
you has been dipping his crackers in your arm."

-----

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a
leash. The
bartender yells at him, "You can't bring that animal in here!" The
man
says, "This isn't just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I'll
show
you."
He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, "This
alligator
can
hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact
second.
Name a time." So, the bartender says "47 seconds." The man says,
"OK,
when
I say go, start your watch. Go!" The alligator opens its mouth
wide,
while
the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, "To prove how much
confidence I have in my pet, I'm gonna lay my dick in his mouth.
But,
just
for safety's sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on." The man
does
so,
and when the bartender starts saying "45...46...47..," right when
he
says
48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator's mouth snaps
shut.
Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man
says,
"Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?" And, of
course, all
the
men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean,
trust
only
goes so far. However, one little guy at the end raises his hand
rather
timidly. The man says, "You there!! You're a real man! You're
brave
enough
to try this??!" To which the other man says, "Yeth, but I don't
think I
could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds."

-----

There is a good looking dude on the beach with many girls around
him.
Then
there is a scrawny looking fellow with no one around him. He goes
up to
the
good looking guy and says, "How can I get girls to notice me?"
The
good
looking guy looks at him and says, "Well, maybe if you put a
potato in
your
swim trunks that might help."  The next day the scrawny man comes
back
and
says to the good looking guy, "I did what you told me and all
people
are
doing is laughing at me." And the good looking guy says...  "You
are
supposed to put the potato in the front."

-----

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him
how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got
an
eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do
you
think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you
a
story. I
knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one
day
went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his
umbrella
instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods
and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his
umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot
that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

-----

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and
she
couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a
bit and
tried again.

The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered
the
zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third
time.

All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded
to
push
her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly,
"Sir,
I
do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough
for
you
to unzip my fly three times either!"

-----

100 reasons it's great to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every
shot of
    someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly
    hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you
    friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even
    thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to
    leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to
    skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in
    15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you
friends
    you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become
    lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw
    it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
    anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

-----

The curry song, to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

Is this a Bhuna?
Or is this Jalfrezi?
Mixed up my order,
They all look the same to me
Open your gob,
Just swallow a forkful and see.
I'm just a student,
Need something real cheap to eat
Because I'm stoney broke
Not a bean
Don't remember
The menu I've seen
Korma, Saag or Madras
Doesn't really matter to me
To me...
Naan-aa, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
Naan-aa, dinner just begun
But now I'm going to crap it all away.
Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, Curry on,
'cause nothing really madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers up my spine
Rectum aching all the time.
Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
This Dopiaza's mild,
Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
pass the chutney made of mango.
Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey
ME!
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani (Biryani)
Biryani  and a naan
O Vindaloooooooo
(No no no no no non o no no No)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
Stand well back
This loo's quarantined.
Here it comes,
There it goes, technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder
It's coming up again
Up again
Here it comes again
Here it comes again
Here it comes again
Here it comes again
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!
So you think you can chunder and think it's alright?
So you think you can eat curry and drink all night?
Ohh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
Just had to come right out in here....
Korma, saag or bhuna,
Balti, naan or bhaji
Nothing makes a difference to me
To me
Anyway my wind blows.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sun 22 Feb 98 (23:43:20 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Back again... Bunper Pack #1 (*RUDE*)

Hello gang,

I must apologize for the delay in bringing out this jokes email, I have
been inundated with various things to do!  I do that this large edition
will more than make up for the delay, I wish you all the best and I hope to
hear from you all soon.

Cheers,
Robin

-----

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
Fun?"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your
problem.  Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and
read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you" said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots
and the female parrots say "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have
some Fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE
BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

-----

It was time for Father Bradley's Saturday night bath and young Sister
Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the
old nun had  instructed.  Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not
to look at Fr.  Bradley's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he
told her to do, and  pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone.  "Oh, sister."  said the young nun dreamily. "I've been
saved."

"Saved?  And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. Bradley was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said  the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now,"  said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. Bradley said that if the Key to heaven
fits
my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured
of salvation and eternal peace.  And then Father Bradley guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact, "  said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. Bradley said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil."  said the old nun.  "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

-----

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just
by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In English,
"fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb,
both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by
John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an
interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as
a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there
are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside
from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe
many situations:

1.  Greetings      "How the fuck are ya?"
2.  Fraud          "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3.  Resignation    "Oh, fuck it!"
4.  Trouble        "I guess I'm fucked now."
5.  Aggression     "FUCK YOU!"
6.  Disgust        "Fuck me."
7.  Confusion      "What the fuck.......?"
8.  Difficulty     "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9.  Despair        "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure       "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure    "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost           "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief      "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation    "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial         "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity     "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy         "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings      "Long time no see. Where  the fuck have u been?"
19. Suspicion      "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic          "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions     "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief      "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."

-----

Banks in Japan

BBN 10.38 *RATING AGENCIES REPORT ON JAPANESE BANKS*

Tokyo.Jan 15th (Bloomberg) -

After the infamous Origami Bank folded yesterday, it has emerged that
Origami's parent company Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and that Bonsai Bank
is planning to cut back its branches. This comes after Monday's nosedive in
Kamikazi Bank's share price, and the price of Khazi Bank's stock went down
the pan. Rumours have continued about Tenko Bank after the staff were
locked in last night, and officials have confirmed that staff at Karate
Bank have got the chop. At Sushi bank things are looking a bit fishy and
staff are expected to get a raw deal.  However, none of the above are
expected to do as badly as the staff at Geisha Bank. Apparently, they all
got fucked.

-----

The following was told to me by a fellow Morris Man, who claims that it is
true and that it was related to him by a teacher at Melbourne Grammar.

The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of
the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except
illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family
(with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds
with:

"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

-----


Signs of our times

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During
that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today--no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served
here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

-----

A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a triple martini.

The bartender said "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is
that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis".

After a few sips of his drink, the man walked up to the woman and said,
"Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink".

She replied "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of
trying I am finally pregnant!"

"What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years
of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken."

At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".

"I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.

The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"

-----

A man with a bad stomach complaint went to his doctor and asked him what he
could do.  The doctor replied that the illness was quite serious but could
be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.

The man agreed, and so the doctor warned him of the pain, told him to bend
over and shoved the thing way up his behind. The doctor then handed him a
second dose and told him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man went home and later that evening tried to get the second
suppository inserted, but he found that he could not reach himself properly
to obtain the required depth.  He called his wife over and told her what to
do.

The wife nodded, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the
other shoved the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screamed, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife.   "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replied the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did that,
he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

-----

An Englishman, an American and a Sikh were called upon to test a lie detector.

The Englishman said: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZZ,
goes the lie detector. "OK", he said, "10 bottles". And the machine was
silent.

The American said: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the
lie detector. "OK", he said, 8 hamburgers". And the machine was silent.

The Sikh said: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ, goes the machine.

-----

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because
they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who
purchase a full tank of gas.  When they went inside to pay, the men asked
the attendant about the contest.

If you win, you re entitled to free sex, said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian.

"Well, I m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win
free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7", said one Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8", replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas.
When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if
the contest was still going on.

"Sure", replied the attendant. "I m thinking of a number between 1-10, if
you guess right. You win free sex."

"2." said the Kentuckian.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3, replied the attendant. Come back soon and try
again."

As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other, you
know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged.

"No way", said the other.  "My wife won twice last week."

-----

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work.

20. "That's Weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
14. "There is something funky in your data"
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9.  "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8.  "It works, but it's not been tested."
7.  "Somebody must have changed my code."
6.  "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5.  "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4.  "You can't use that version on your system."
3.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2.  "Where were you when the program blew up?"

[You have to think like a user to get this one]

1.  "I thought I fixed that."



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    I
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Wed 25 Feb 98 (13:09:59 +0000)
Subject: Fwd: Support....

On Wed 25 Feb 98 (08:51:36 +0000), Andy forwarded:

 Bill Gates calls the Belgian Police......

 "Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

 "Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

 "Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

 "No"

 "Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your
name?"

 "Bill Gates"

 "Country?"

 "The USA"

 "Native language?"

 "English"

 "Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this
 number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a
 pie?"

 "Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person
 distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

 "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a
 custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

 "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I
 really don't think it was a custard pie."

 "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

 "Yes"

 "Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

 "No"

 "Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

 "Yes"

 "Any pies then?"

 "No"

 "Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again.
 I'll wait."

 "Just a minute.." [several minutes pass] "Okay, I'm back."

 "Did  you get hit ...by another pie?"

 "Of course not"

 "Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks
 like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If
 it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us
 again.

  "Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. ...[click]"

--
  _                       _____________________________________
 /_| _ _  _  /| /_ _/_  /' [e-mail]
/  || (_|(_)/ |/(/_/_  /  http://www.argonet.co.uk/rich.goodwin
________) ___________./  Nobody else's opinion but my own

        For updates on the progress of !HTML3, see
   http://www.argonet.co.uk/rich.goodwin/programs/html3/





From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Sat 28 Feb 98 (23:11:31 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] More... loads more...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE

10. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration.
 9. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your
    chattering teeth.
 8. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz.
 7. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso".
 6. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don'teven
have
    your car.
 5. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers
Crystals.
 4. You wake up in middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of
God, I
    need Pepsi!".
 3. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.
 2. When you hear about having a line of "Columbian" you think of coffee.
 1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

-----

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a
Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the
first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste
system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In
descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses,
official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private
cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats,
bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles
(passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow
is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian
drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):  Cars
(IV,1,a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, e.g. in clearing
dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote
supplication, e.g. to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so
unless you slow down we shall both die." In extreme cases this may be
accompanied by flashing of headlights
(frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870
million whom I recognize,", "There is a bird in the road (which at this
speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for
several minutes." Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same
meaning, viz., "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have
no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised
by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the
provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V
All maneuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last
possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has
traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline
(VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every
other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the
face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of
villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between
your vehicle and the one you are passing--and one inch in the case of
bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.

-----

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed
explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital.
Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of
the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put
``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I
will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my
hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat
at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my
business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my
trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I
immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its
normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its
main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back.

It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly
attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the
opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However,
my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to
engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed
my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open
with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational
manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and
decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with
her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get
her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on
your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news
team.The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was
obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with
bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was
unlocked. His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in
the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property
destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not
include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow
at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with
the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of
such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the
device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the
same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven.
Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items
that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot
skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as
the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in
the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small
pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me,
along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,
S. Anderson

-----

Two interns were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few
stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and
obviously in serious respiratory distress. One young doctor said to the
other, "That girl is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"

"You bet," said the first. And with that he ran over and said, "Can you
breathe??" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak??" She again
shook her head no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and began
licking her  buttocks. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up
the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. Returning to his
friend, the intern said "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always seems to
work."

-----

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Here are some current candidates:

5th Runner Up:
A San Anselmo, California man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad,
authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County
Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the
lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner Up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved
it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner Up:
To poacher, Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on
an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner Up:
Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a West Virginia party popped a blasting
cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue,state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth
and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, is tongue and his lips," Payne
said. Stromyer was listed in guarded
condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,  according to a
spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone
doing something like that," Payne said.

1st Runner Up:
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through
the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released
soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend
during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in
Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the
arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and
Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said
the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at
the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
 Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he
surely would have killed himself. Robert admitted afterwards he and his
friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb
about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district
attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO
(Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself
at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.

THE WINNERS:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of  the
great state of Washington, who decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18
beers among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop over the
nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends  pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan
was for John --100 pounds heavier than Sal - to hop over, and then
assist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot  drop on the other side of the
fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
througha tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged
him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked
down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket
knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from
the tree. Finally free, John crashed below  into Holly  bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched  his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was
the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To
make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed
three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a
rope and pull him to safety  by  tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away.  However, in his drunken state, Sal put the
truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through the
fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck,
suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police
arrived to  find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the
truck.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half naked, with scratches,
a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

-----

A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired,
and the shot hit him right in the arm.  The farmer dropped his gun, and
cradled the arm in his other arm.  The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
 He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the
country doctor.

He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table.  He looks
the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that
sleepin' stuff, and no Novacain, or pain killers.  You just start sewin' on
this arm best way you know how!"

Well, the doc starts stitching away.  Even the doctor is wincing at every
stitch.  Finally, the doc can't take it anymore.  He looks up at the
farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?"  Farmer says, "Yep, third
worst pain I ever had in my life."

The doc jumps back.  "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?!  Here,
you done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain
killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third
worst pain you ever had in your life?  I know there can't be anything much
worse than this!"

Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size.  I was out
a-huntin' one day, and I had to take me a mean dump.  So I found me a clump
of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a
bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!"

Doc says, "Oh my God!  You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts, and
you're tellin' me that only the second worst pain you ever had in your
life?!  Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"

Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in the
chain runs out!"

-----

Brandon, Troy, and Kevin who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if
they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest
and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

All three men went their separate ways to gather the fruit. Brandon came
back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples". The king explained the
trial to him, "You have to shove the fruit up your butt without any
expression on your face, or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so
he was killed.

Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the
trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.

Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, "Why did you laugh, you
almost got away with it!"

Troy replied, "I couldn't help it, I looked up and saw Kevin coming back
with pineapples."

-----

'Twas The Night Before Christmas--Biker's Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My old lady and me crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
>From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"


'Twas The Night Before Christmas-- Redneck Version

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the trailor.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail 'er.
The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leon would be hauling ass.
The young'uns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.
Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.
When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.
When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.
He staggered so much, I thought, "What was he on"?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leon?
All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout,
Dog's hate St. Leon, you figure it out.
"Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy", he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.
When he stepped on my porch, there was such a vibration,
I thanked God I installed a concrete foundation.
He was dressed all in fur, and chains made of gold,
On his feet were Air Jorden's, I 'specked he stoled.
Yes, he had toys, there was no mistakin,
But I still wasn't sure if he was given, or taken.
It was then that he pulled a knife from his sack,
As I readied myself for a Leon attack.
St. Leon surprised me and gave me great glee,
When he gift wrapped the knife, and put it under the tree.
He continued by filling the socks up with skoal,
His good deeds made me feel, like a major bung hole.
Then layin' his finger on the gold stud on his nose,
He said, "Hey Opey Taylor, I gots to goes".
He jumped in his caddy, and turned on the ignition,
Drove down the dirt road, to continue his mission.
I heard him yell out, as I opened a beer,
"Hey you honky white trash, see you mo'fo's next year".


'Twas The Night Before Christmas--Computer Geek Version

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a computer was stirring, not even a mouse.
The hard drives were left on in each computer case
With a database for Santa, punched up in dBase.
The hackers were all snug asleep in their beds,
While visions of access codes danced in their heads.
And I with my PC and Ma with her Mac,
Had settled in for a long winter's nap.
When up from my modem there arose such a squeal,
I jumped from my bed and said, "What's the deal!!?!?"
To my computer I tore like a flash,
Hoping I wasn't suffering a Christmas Eve Crash.
A flashing green light on the front of my case,
Showed late-night activity (I hope not erase).
I turned on my monitor and what did appear,
But a .GIF old sleigh and eight blinking reindeer.
On a flashing bright icon I made a quick click,
And sure enough who appeared, but good old Saint Nick.
At 9600 baud the images they came,
As he loaded them up, he called them by name.
"Load Windows and Lotus, Prodigy and Quicken,
Add brand new DOS upgrades, and games for the children.
To the old root directory, to make room for them all,
How about a new hard drive, this one's all full!
As I watched as he worked through the database with care,
Checking the gift list we had left there.
He searched into his bag and pulled out with aplomb,
Bright shiny new discs for the new CD-ROM.
A brand new fax-modem (well, who asked for that!?!?),
Bundles of SIMMS, co-processors galore,
>From one board to another, he filled up each hole.
And when he was finished, the tower cases were full,
With fun new software, just ready to install.
Then lining the cursor alongside of his nose,
Out of my new SVGA, up slowly he rose.
He jumped out of DOSSHELL, my soundblaster did sound,
As he TSR fell away, 'til next Christmas comes around,
Then I heard him exclaim as he up-loaded from sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good byte!!


'Twas The Night Before Christmas--Programmer's Version

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the House,
Not a program was working not even in browse.
The programmers all hung by their tubes in dispair
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out by the mainframes there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a systems programmer, with a case of cold beer!
His 'JCL' lustered, his 'BAL' how it shimmered;
And his 'command CICS', oh how it glimmered.
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Load update! Add! Inquiry! Delete!
All batch jobs! File closings! All functions complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
>From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of an eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code; this guy was no jerk.
As he laid his finger upon the 'enter' key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and file closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and he tested each bell.
With nary an 'abend'; all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
With even the user's last changes included.
And the users exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"

-----

LONDON (Reuters) - The world got weirder in 1997, driven by interest in
so-called "holy" vegetables, events surrounding the death of Princess Diana
and millennium cults, according to a survey released Thursday.

The Fortean Times -- the British journal of strange and uncanny phenomena --
said its index of media interest in the weird and wonderful rose four
percent last year, the biggest increase ever.

"1997 was by far the weirdest year since our records began. Although I
don't make prophecies, I wouldn't be surprised if the index didn't continue
upwards as a result of pre-millennial tension," said Joe McNally, associate
editor of the Fortean Times.

The journal said 1997 proved a bumper year for stories about human
weirdness. They ranged from the mass suicide of the Heaven's Gate in the
United States, to the cloned sheep Dolly and a panic over penis-stealing
magicians in west Africa.
The death of Princess Diana in August prompted a welter of conspiracy
theories and a rash of paranormal stories, including reports of her
silhouette appearing in a cloud and on a painting. Stories about UFOs took
a leap in the 50th anniversary of the Roswell "flying saucer" incident in
United States, as did tales of miracles and prophecies.

Religious phenomena and cults made a strong showing and the Fortean Times
predicted a further increase in the run-up to the turn of the century.
"There is a general feeling that something spectacular ought to happen in
the year 2000 or perhaps the summer of 1999," said publisher Mike Dash.
"People thinking about that and being jumpy and wondering what's going to
happen is going to influence the number of UFO sightings and visions of the
Virgin Mary," Dash added.

In 1997 various sightings were reported in Britain of so-called holy
eggplants, tomatoes and other vegetables whose seed patterns were believed
by Muslims to spell out texts from the Koran.

The natural world was comparatively quiet, apart from volcanic eruptions in
Montserrat and Hawaii and the tale of a female British supermarket worker
whose underwear spontaneously combusted in August. The Fortean Times, which
has a worldwide monthly circulation of 42,000 copies, began compiling its
weirdness index in 1993 based on the number of stories it printed in
various categories over the year. It said 1997 saw the index rise by 140
points over 1996 to 3,620 points.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Andy Loukes <[e-mail]>
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Tue 24 Feb 98 (08:49:52 +0000)
Subject: For your next CV ?? (fwd)



--
Andy Loukes

Internet Business Development                 http://www.argonet.co.uk
Argo Interactive                              tel:[phone]
7 Dukes Court, Chichester, PO19 2FX           fax:[phone]


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 10:33:11 +0100
From: [e-mail]


          (Allegedly) Real-life Resume Mistakes

- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
   and my ability to complete projects on time is
   unspeakable."
- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
   science, curses in accounting."
- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
   chain store."
- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
   horse."
- "I am a rabid typist."
- "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
   and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
   appropriate for business."
- "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
   nothing and absolutely no one."
- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
   me."
- "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
   composer."
- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too
   seriously, they were inappreciative beggars and slave
   drivers."
- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
   training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
   brokerage."
- "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free
   to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
- "Qualifications: No education or experience."
- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
- "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on
   my head!"
- Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to
  hear from you shorty!"





From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon  9 Mar 98 (23:03:25 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Some more for ya!

Q: What is the newest game at the White House these days?
A: Swallow the Leader!

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic!

Q: Why did Kenneth Starr go after Monica Lewinsky?
A: Because he thought she really blew it...

Q: Where did Bill Clinton buy the dress for Monica Lewinsky?
A: Seaman's

Q: What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
A: "Sat on the Presidential Staff"

Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?
A: "Free Willy"

Q: Why are there no book marks in the White House?
A: Because they bend all the pages over.

Q: And what was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
A: Goats don't talk...

-----

CLINTON's TOP 11. EXCUSES
-------------------------
11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top
10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV
9.  She's not THAT young.  In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16
8.  Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers
7.  I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second
    term in office
6.  I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname
5.  I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's,
    I sent her E-MAIL!
4.  See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!
3.  My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY
Clinton.
2.  I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans --  oops, I
    mean it was in my genes.

AND the #1 excuse...

1.  "I didn't insert"

-----

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will
wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland Brighton

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'.
The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more
usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T. Thropton

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin
into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens Birmingham

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.
L Traintu Clarkesville

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It
gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
James Francis East Glamorgan Hospital

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under
the covers.
Charles Holley Newcastle

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd Wigan

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket.
Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty
finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner Liverpool L17

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to
wrap it.
D. Treloar Wandsworth

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson Skipton

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes
with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey Liverpool

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and
press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Middlesex

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock London

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY Lincoln

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or
5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this
will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson Manchester

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger Fulchester

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt Birmingham

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe 662 Squadron. Germany

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you
park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths Kent

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking
gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire
to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn Rotherham

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape
through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex
without waking her up.
Frank Wilson Southend

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar Cardiff

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you
cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and
no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher Wapping

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
B Reastford Iranville, Notts

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
D Smith, Herts

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every
room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping
gas.
N. Burke Manchester

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell
gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such
emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby Rugby

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East
country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice
to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs
start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin Middlesex

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen Uxbridge

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of
riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge Newcastle

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker Chatham

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn
around the neck.
B Morgan Criccieth

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham Didford

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to
sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly Warstead

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes
again.
P Loft Gateshead

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The
secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey Essex

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson York

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing
a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp. Birmingham

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making
'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo. Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during
a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl Amersham. Leo Sayer country.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a
moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
Bastien Phelp. Bath

-----

Realistic warnings that should appear on alcoholic beverages.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that
   could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story
   over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY
   think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
   really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever
   happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and
   see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn
   on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher,
    handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

-----

The five stages of drunkenness

STAGE 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe.  You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for
an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

STAGE 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire
bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you
are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the
sun.

STAGE 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because
of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It
doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also start
buying drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST
LOOKING person in the world.

STAGE 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up the partners of the people who
fancy you and  challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no
fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell,
you're better looking than them anyway.

STAGE 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people
who fancy you because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of you lungs because no one can see
or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.

-----

HOUSTON -- Wilma Gralida was arrested on suspicion of child abuse at the
airport freight claim area after officials learned that she shipped her
4-year-old son from Miami in a dog carrier to save $502.00 in air fare.

Federal agents said the recently divorced barmaid managed to check the boy
on as air freight by covering the carrier with a sheet and telling
officials it contained a springer spaniel. She tied the sheet down but it
came loose during the flight.

When the cage was unloaded at Houston, employees saw that it held the
child. "The little boy looked so forlorn, the mother had placed a dog dish
in there with some candy bars and potato chips in it. And there was some
lukewarm root beer in another dish."

Our Heroine is free on bail, and says she doesn't understand why everyone
is so upset. "Hey, the ticket was $552 for a passenger seat or $50 for air
freight. I'm a single mom and definitely not rich.  I got tickets for me
and my three-year-old daughter, I didn't want to spend that kind of money
on a ticket for Jimmy, too. As far as I'm concerned I didn't do anything
all that wrong. Now they're bitching because I sent him in the dog carrier.
He's perfectly OK."

-----

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a
career change. He always enjoyed tinkering with engines, and thought he'd
become a mechanic. So, he enrolled in mechanics' school.

He did fairly well right until the end of the semester. The final test was
to strip the engine completely and reassemble it-obviously back into
perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and waited
anxiously for the results.

The day he received his grade, he got quite a surprise. He got 150%! He
quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No, no, that's right. First I gave you full credit,
or 50%, for stripping down the engine - a very thorough and efficient job.
Next, I gave you full credit, or 50%, for reassembling it - a fantastic
job, really. One of the best I've ever seen. And then, I gave you a bonus
for doing it all through the muffler."

-----

Authentic quotes. Every single one of them!

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people"
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child. "
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind
the Los Angeles Riots

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is."
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United
Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a
terrible thing to waste"

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means
there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history  But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century"
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
--The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card [not a beacon of literacy though]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"We have a firm commitment to NATO.  We are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."
--Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am.  At least she knows she still has
a job next year."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 [reported in Esquire, 8/92]

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
--Vice President Dan Quayle

-----

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course,
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was
a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.

The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes officer?"

"What are you doing ?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like ?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked
"And what is she doing ?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied. "What does it look
like, she is knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen." he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes
she'll be sixteen.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 16 Mar 98 (23:07:49 +0800)
Subject: [Jokes] Some more... and more...

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.
This is how their conversation went:

He:    "Sister, I want to show you something."
She:   "What is it, Father?"

He:    "Come into my private room & close the blinds."
She:   "WHAT?!"
He:    "I said....."
She:   "I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
He:    "Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

He:    "Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She:   "I have to get out of here."
He:    "Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

He:    "Get under the covers."
She:   "WHAT?????!!!!!" - The nun was really freaking out.
He:    "It doesn't work otherwise!" says the priest.

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He:    "Come closer", whispers the priest.

Nervously, she does get closer.

He:  "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the
dark!!!!"

-----

The 9 Types of Boyfriends
-------------------------

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, DrugAddict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

-----

And when you thought Valentine's over.............Here's some
acronyms...enjoy!!!!!

H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under
                     Ecstacy.
T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only.
Y.A.M.A.H.A. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!
P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot.. I Love It! Please Please..I Need
Erotic
                         Stimulation!

-----

The Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
------------------------------------------------

10.Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only
because they haven't had sex yet.
9.Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... school just sucks.
8.After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like
smoking something a whole lot stronger.
7..You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5.Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.
4.Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3.After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper
than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
1.At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school
your teachers screw you regardless!!!

-----

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly
talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have
had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying
that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story
will come out in time, verily".

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegaly
funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign
operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to
several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.

In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo
for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then
this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a
series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a
bill by Rep. Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU
are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

-----

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half
later.  Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill
Clinton?"

-----

Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own........

-----

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St.
Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the
cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to
proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning
the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says,
"Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You
gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher
than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results.
When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people
prayed."

-----

Three little frogs died and went to Heaven, where they were met by St Peter.
'Well, well', he said to the first one. 'I hope you haven't been a naughty
little frog!'

'Oh, no', said the frog, 'the worst I've done is keeping jumping in and out
of puddles'

'All right', said St Peter, 'in you go'.

And the first little frog hopped happily into Heaven.

St Peter then turned to the second little frog, and 'Well, well', he said
to the second one.  'I hope you haven't been a naughty little frog, either.'

'Oh, no', said the frog, 'the worst I've done too is keeping jumping in and
out of puddles'

'All right', said St Peter, 'in you go'.

So the second little frog was allowed to hop into Heaven.

St Peter then turned to the third little frog - and a very camp little frog
he was too.  And St Peter said: 'Well?  And what have /you/ got to say for
yourself?'

'Oh, I've nothing to add really', said the third little frog.  'I'm Puddles.'

-----

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious
leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was
held to test their skills.

After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for
the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test,
and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines,
classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible
speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on
their monitors.

The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt
of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back
on-just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.

Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge
turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a
dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the
judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique
characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

-----

Top 10 reasons why there are no sex scandals in Singapore
---------------------------------------------------------

10    Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9     Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8     Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7     Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6     Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5     Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4     SPGs only go for foreigners.
3     Kiasi - don't want to get AIDS
2     Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
1     Still confused over condoms and condos.

-----

Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living at the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names have fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

-----

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
----------------------------------

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid
Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle.  If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty
you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not
both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials
or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you
saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12
Don't fake it.  We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

-----

The 9 Types of Girlfriends
--------------------------

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
             bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change
             your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career,
                           goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna
                            front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passedout
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg,
               Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
                  about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome
                genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
                weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Doesn't exist

-----

ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON ACTUAL CARS DRIVEN BY ACTUAL DRIVERS
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
All generalizations are false.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Thought for the week: Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

-----

A man's guide to what a woman is really saying
----------------------------------------------

I need = I want.
We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later on.

We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic - turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture,
new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = The other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate better = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me?! = Too late, you're dead.

Yes = No.
No = No.
Maybe = No.



Cheers,
Robin

PS: Thanks for all the contributors! You know who you are...

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Andy Loukes <[e-mail]>
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Fri 20 Mar 98 (09:25:38 +0000)
Subject: Haiku Error Messages (fwd)



---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 1998 18:08:51 +0000 (GMT)
From: Jasper Wallace <[e-mail]>
To: Andrew Loukes <[e-mail]>, [e-mail]
Subject: Haiku Error Messages (fwd)



--
    They were so ignorant! Young men and women, educated very carefully to
be apolitical, to be technicians who thought they disliked politics, making
them putty in the hands of their rulers, just like always.
    - Frank Chalmers in Kim Stanley Robinson's "Red Mars".
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 1998 15:34:29 +0000
From: Agares <[e-mail]>
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Subject: Haiku Error Messages

This arrived in my mail this morning, I thought it was worth sharing.
There are some absolute classics in there

For those who don't know - Haiku = 17 syllable 3 part Japanese poem

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

--
John L Waggott, London, UK          [e-mail]
    Find and snip the fnord to send to me




>Subject:    not a joke.....this is true, honest :O)
>
>Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the
>undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see
> what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a
> deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his
> Chelsea hat over one breast. The second guy, a Liverpool fan, placed
> his hat over the other breast. The Man Utd fan then placed his hat
> over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The
> coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Chelsea hat
> and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Liverpool hat and
> returned it. Then he picked up the Man Utd fans hat, put it down,
> then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then
> put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the
> Man Utd fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep
> picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?".
> The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this
> one out. Usually when I come across one of these Man Utd hats,
> there's an arsehole under it."
>


HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION LETTERS:


Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter of April 1. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer
me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate my employment with your firm immediately
following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.


Sincerely,

C.U. Monday



HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day, and tell people
you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have
time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting.
During the  meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address is
"[e-mail]"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with it.

Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products.  Forward the mail
to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself loudly over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice).

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until
they're all present.

Come to work in your pyjamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does (This is especially
effective if your boss is a different gender than you are).

Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only
by these names.  "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm
going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the coke machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all
reports that you write (if you don't have children, draw stick figures
yourself).

Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party.  Hold it at
McDonald's Playland.  Charge everyone $15 each.

Send an e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're
doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your trash can on your desk.  Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your desk.

Grow mould in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty coke
cans.

Put on headphones whenever the boss comes into the office.  Talk
in a loud voice.  Remove them when he or she leaves.

When in coversation, no matter where you are in the office,
mutter, "I think my phone is ringing." and leave.  Go get coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mails in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.

Talk into your Time System.

"Hi-Light" your shoes.  Tell people that you haven't lost your
shoes since you did this.

E-mail naked gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your
co-workers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Include a personal note on every e-mail you send.  "On a personal
note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note,
I'm please to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last
night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't quite turn out
right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Put up mosquito netting around your desk.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel
in the fish tank.  If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how
many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the
cafeteria, when people complain that there was none just lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to be much faster than
that."

Put decaff in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has got
over  their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.



= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During
that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and
explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has
someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has
another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed
by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God
and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Two young girls are riding their rickety, old bikes down the back
streets of Copenhagen, late, one afternoon. As it turns closer toward
dusk, the increasing darkness brings a bit of apprehension to the two
young cyclists. One girl leans over to the other and says, "You know,
this is the first time I've come this way. What about you?"

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

One day, a man dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, the devil approaches him.

Devil:    Why so glum, my damned brother?
Man:    Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Devil:    Hell is not so bad. You can actually have an eternity of morbid
diversion and macabre pleasure down here. Man:    Oh sure! Explain that
to me.

Devil:    Did you drink?
Man:    Sure, I loved to drink.
Devil:    Well then, you'll just love Mondays. On Mondays, all we do is
drink. Whiskey, vodka, tequila, beer, wine, rum, even mead; you name
it. We drink 'til we vomit and then we drink some more. And you can't
get cirrhosis because you've already died! Man:    I can do that.

Devil:    Did you smoke?
Man:    Absolutely. I smoked every day since I was 14 years old.
Devil:    All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays, we smoke
cigars, cigarettes, marijuana, peyote, hemp, hash, even crack; you
name it. We smoke until our lungs are blackened and then we smoke some
more. And you can?t get cancer because you've already died! Man:    Hey!
I can do that!

Devil:    Did you gamble?
Man:    Yes, as a matter of fact, I gambled every chance I got.
Devil:    Good, because you'll love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays, we bet on
craps, black-jack, horse races, poker, baccarat, roulette, even
Russian Roulette; you name it. We gamble until we're flat broke and
then we borrow money and gamble some more. And you can't lose
everything, become depressed and commit suicide. because you're
already dead! Man:    I know I can do this!

Devil:    Were you gay?
Man:    Hell, no!
Devil:    Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I think I've been online too long because....

1.   All my friends have @ in their names.
2.   I can't call my mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
3.   I live at "http://510 N. Easy Street/house/green roof/door.html"
4.   We moved into a new house and I Netscaped before I landscaped! 5.
  I spent half the plane trip with my laptop on my lap, and our child
     in the overhead compartment.
6.   I have a tatoo that says: "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1
     or higher.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Proof that the gene pool is contaminated!

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
Michaels, age 27.

The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer
apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the
group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe
some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of
gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite
it again, to no avail.

Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels
proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping
pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball
propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much
higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris
missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the
heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.

In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a
Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported,
"Followed by a loud thud". Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.
"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot
someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I
wouldn't get hurt."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.

The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his
mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand
pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI,
and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30,
struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the
Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the
coroner.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a
mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that
it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came
upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said,

"Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across
da froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook
his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse
case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what
Zachary Disease was and he replied,

"Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

>Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A.
>Money

>Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
>A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

>Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
>A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end
you
lose your house.

>Q: How do you circumcise someone from Arkansas?
>A: Kick his sister in the jaw

>Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
>A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

>Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
>A: Full.

>Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
>A: Put a nipple on it.

>Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
>A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

>Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
>A. After five years your job will still suck.

>Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
>A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

>Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
>their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

>Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A:
>A pick pocket snatches watches.

>Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
>A: More head room.
>
>Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
>A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!




> Microsoft today announced that they are to rename Windows 98 "Windows
> Diana".  Initial reports suggest that it will be superficially
> attractive, consume
> lots of resources and crash horribly.



So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says:
"Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen
master, who pays with a $20 bill.  The hot dog vendor puts
the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.  And the hot dog
vendor responds:  "Change must come from within."

Subject: Top geek slogans......


     1.  Cannot find REALITY.SYS.  Universe halted.

     2.  COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

     3.  Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

     4.  C:\DOS  C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN

     5.  C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

     6.  The information went data way

     7.  Best file compression around:  "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

     8.  BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

     9.  The name is Baud.......  James Baud.

     10. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!

     11. c:\> Bad Command or file name!  Go stand in the corner.

     12. Bad command.  Bad, bad command!  Sit!  Stay!  Staaay...

     13. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon?  (Yep/Nope)

     14. Backups?  We don' NEED no steenking backups.

     15. ... File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)

     16. Ethernet (n):  something used to catch the etherbunny

     17. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted:  Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)

     18. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord..

     19. Windows:  Just another pane in the glass.

     20. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...

     21. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy?  Shell to DOS...

     22. Press any key... no, no, no! NOT THAT ONE!





>
> MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
>
> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
> Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a
> secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at
> 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide
> with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over
> possible antitrust action.
>
> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
> any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
> that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few
> tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a
> bath of nuclear fire."
>
> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
> dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
> Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
> was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
> bike vacation."
>
> In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
> boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
> President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
> lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
> administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
> with Microsoft.
>
> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
> justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
> Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
> "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
> "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
> copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace
> Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither
> confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric
> generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold,
> "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
> the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
>
> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
> explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run
> so hot.  The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in
> electrical power" said Prof. E. E.  Thymes of MIT. "This should
> finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
>
> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
> California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
> doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to
> the project.  The development of a delivery system is said to be
> holding up progress.  "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
> the moment."
>
> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs
> was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
> deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was
> the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
> hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that
> product a second time."
>
> posted on 14 May 1998
> Copyright 1998 by the Bogus News Network.
>


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to
Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting
crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informd them that there will
be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into
the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:"  That would have been the
Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't
REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228"

"That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

-----

President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern Monica
Lewinsky to lie. "What I actually said," claims the President, "was to lie
down."

Today's headline read: "Clinton Probe Expands". It turned out to be a
direct quote attributed to Monica Lewinsky.

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

Monica Lewinsky told Bill Clinton in the Oval Office that the ceiling needs
to be painted.

Q: What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business?
A: The Oral Office.

Q: Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study?
A: He wants to show them his executive branch.

Q: Who is the only woman in the White House not sleeping with Clinton?
A: Hillary

Q: What are the job requirements for secretaries at the White House?
A: They have to know the President's zip code.

Q: In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late
night meetings with the President...
A: "I can't remember the details, she said, but I know the answer is on the
tip of my tongue!"

Q: Why did Monica always drink with a straw while she was an intern?
A: Practice.

Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
A: To keep his ankles warm.

Q: Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
A: Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper: "Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill
Clinton"

-----

The Titanic Oscar Nomination Categories:

1. Movie with most Hype
2. Most Expensive Movie
3. Longest Movie
4. Best Actress : The Ship
5. Best Actor: The Iceberg
6. Longest Movie that did not star Kevin Costner
7. Movie that made the most money for Rupert Murdoch
8. First movie to pay Kate Winslet enough money to show her breasts
9. Best swimming performance in a movie: Leonardo Di Caprio for being able to
   swim against the suction of the ship after having previously contracting
   hypothermia with his earlier swimming in the flooded bowels of the ship.
All
   this given he grew up at the turn of the century in a poor family and
probably
   received no formal swimming training.
10. Best integration of real and historical footage to stretch the movie
that few
    more minutes.
11. Best Special Effects: Making people believe that Kate Winslet is
beautiful,
    and making people believe that the water of the North Atlantic is
Tropical
    Blue.
12. Best Love Scene: Leonardo Di Caprio with himself.
13. Movie that made the most number of people cry: Even though they already
knew
    how it was going to end!
14. First movie to find a pod of (speed swimming) dolphins anywhere near
England
    for the last 150 years.

-----

Dear Aunt Aggie,
        I have a problem that I hope you can solve. Three years ago, I met
a girl, A, for whom I completely fell head over heels. We started going
together and soon became an item.

    Recently there has been talk of marriage between her and her parents.
During the same time, a good friend of mine, B, broke off with her
boyfriend and sought consolation in me. Being a good friend, I was always
there for her and before I knew it, started having feelings for her too.
This was of course not known to A, with whom I'm still going out.

    At the same time, for reasons I am not sure of, I have decided not to tell
B about A.  Not too long ago I met B's family and B's sister, C, took
liking in me and asked me to join her and her friends for an outing.

    Not wanting to disappoint her, I obliged, not letting B know. At the
outing, I met an old friend, D, whom I haven't seen for a long time. She
had been away in Australia for the last five years. She had returned
because her uncle has just died. Even though she wasn't close to her uncle,
he had left her, an inheritance, a house in Sydney and also all his money
in his Swiss bank account.

    I understand that this amount is more than enough for her to live very
comfortably for the rest of her live. Whilst we were talking, D confided in
me that she has always been attracted to me. She told me that she is still
unattached and intended to remain so until she hears news that I'm already
married. She also told me that she had planned to contact me, disclose her
true feelings to me if I'm still single and had hoped that by some chance I
may even consider going to Sydney with her. She felt that the fact of us
meeting so coincidentally was due to some kind of fate.

    Now, you can see the fix I'm in.

My question, of course, is - should I fly SQ or Qantas?

-----

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they
grewapprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each
other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and
I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with
her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly
awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed,
and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy
eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly
before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks
had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of
course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What
on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

-----

Two little boys go into the departmental store. One is nine, one is four.

The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to
the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old
replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister
then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of
these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of
them!"

-----

A cocky lawyer walks into a bar and sits down besides a drunk who is
closely watching and rolling something held in his fingers. The lawyer
watches the drunk for a while until he could not contain his curiousity any
further. So he asks the drunk what was the thing that he was holding.

"Well" said the drunk,"it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it." said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between
his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. After a long while, he was
stumped. "Yes." he finally said. " it does look like plastic and fell like
rubber, but I donlt know what it is. Tell me, where did you get it?"

"From my nose." said the drunk.

-----

There was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden but
no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring
her neighbour's garden , which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went
one day and ask him his secret.

"Oh, it is really quite simple. " the old man said. "Twice a day, in the
morning and evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn
red with embarrassement."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she took his advice and proceeded to
expose herself to her plants, twice daily. 2 weeks passed and her neighbour
stopped by to check her progress.

"So," he asked," any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No, " she replied excitedly.."but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

-----

A blonde decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $8,000
and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a
newstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, "I
hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?"

"About 28," was the reply.

"I'm actually 40," the blonde says, feeling really happy. After that she
goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question,
to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 25".

"I am actually 40 !" This makes her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I am 80 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down
your dress and play with your breast for a few minutes I will be able to
tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the blonde thought what the hell and let the
old man slip his hand down her dress. 5 minutes later the old man says,
"OK, it's done. You are 40."

Stunned the blonde, she asks, "That was brilliant ! How did you do that ?"

The old man replies, "I was sitting behind you at the McDonalds."

-----

Polish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating
and panting. "What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!  Daddy!  Uncle Ted's hiding in
your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bastard," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around with no clothes on, scaring the kids!"

-----

One day a farmer was working in the field when his teenage son came up to
him and asked if he could borrow some money to go into town. The farmer
knew his son had been working hard all week, and wished he had money to
give. Finally, he says "See that duck over there? Take that into town, and
sell it. You can use the money for whatever you want. Now go and have a
good time"

Starting down the road, the kid gets thirsty and stops at a house for a
glass of water. The woman who answered the door gave him the water and
asked what he was doing. "Going to town to have some fun" he replied.

"Tell you what" says the woman. "I'll let you fuck me if you give me that
duck".

The boy says "Sure!" and they go back to the bedroom. Later as he is about
to leave, the woman stops him again. "I'll make you another deal. If I give
you the duck back, will you fuck me again?"

Again the boy agrees, and they head for the bedroom once again.

Now it is getting late, and the boy decides to head home. As he is walking, a
truck rushes by and scares the duck out of his hands. The duck flies into the
road and is run over by the truck. "I'm real sorry about your duck son,
here's twenty-five bucks for the duck I hit" says the trucker.

Now the boy is really happy. He runs home, where his father stops him and
asks how his day was. "Well, Pa, it was great! I got a fuck for a duck, a
duck for a fuck, and twenty-five dollars for a fucked up duck!"

-----

After leading a particularly nasty life, Mick arrived at the gates of Hell.

Devil:    Which room would you like Mick?
Mick:     Room?  No-one told me anything about rooms in Hell
Devil:    Yes, we have three rooms available and you get to choose
          which one you would like to spend your time in.
Mick:     Can I see them first?
Devil:    I don't see why not.

The Devil then proceeded to give Mick a tour of the establishment. He
opened the door of the first room.  It had a concrete floor and all its
occupants were standing on their heads. The second room had a wooden floor,
but still all the occupants were standing on their heads. The third rooms
occupants were all drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, but standing
knee deep in horse manure.

After thinking about it for a little while, Mick decided that although the
stench was quite bad, standing knee deep in shit had to be better than
standing on your head on either concrete or wooden floors.

Mick:     I think I'll take room number three.
Devil:    OK

Mick got himself settled with a cigarette and a coffee, and after only two
sips of coffee and one decent drag on the cigarette, the peace was suddenly
interrupted.  The Devil came barging in through the door and yelled, "OK
you guys. Smoko is over! Back on your heads".

-----

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling
I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack".

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might
give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues
praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."

-----

[Just to see how many of you are still awake...]

3 men went to a motel.  The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so
each man put up $10 and went to the room.  A little while later the man
behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back
to the 3 guys' room with $5.  On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't
figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he just gave each one
of them $1 and he kept the other $2.

This meant that the 3 men paid $9 each for the room for a total of $27.

Add the $2 that the bellhop kept =  $29.

WHERE'S THE OTHER DOLLAR????????

-----

[Strange but true...]

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch
is 10:10.

If she were life size, Barbie's measurements are: 39-23-33.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

The longest place-name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiw
enuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who
fathered over 160 children.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand
corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front
upper right-hand corner.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles
away.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

-----

The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came running
out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't
even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the
doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in
there?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant."

"Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse.

"I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups."

-----

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

-----

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes
on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television
screen."

"How do they know what size screen I have?"

-----

Q. Why must we put on our pants one leg at a time?

A. If we jumped into our pants, simultaneously placing both legs in at one
time, we would land heavily on the ground. As a majority of us are getting
dressed at the same time of the morning, the cumulative effect would cause
an earth tremor.

Due to the use of time zones, the tremor established in eastern time would
arrive in the central zone at precisely the moment all those people were
jumping into their pants.

The tremor would increase in size exponentially, and proceed west to
combine with the mountain zone folks as they get dressed.

As this cycle encircles the globe, it would feed upon the next day's tremor
and eventually cause the earth's crust to break apart and float into space.

This is why we put our pants on one leg at a time. And for the safety of
all the rest of us, I beg you not to try to put both your legs
simultaneously..

-----

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the
Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can
still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in
the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head
in the middle of the bedroom.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked, curiously.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could
just drop it in."

-----

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their
hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I
shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I
trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad
that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."

-----

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"Sir, I couldn't help but notice how happy you look this morning," she
said. "Tell me, what's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case
of whiskey every week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing!" she exclaimed. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

-----

A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous
basketballplayer, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair.

They liked each other and the woman went back with him to his hotel room.
He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his
right arm was a tatoo which said, "Reebok".

She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.

Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo
and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the
corner of the room.

Rodman said, "What's wrong?"

The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis which
read "AIDS". Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has
AIDS!"

He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

-----

Once three scientists died in a car crash an for their sins they went to
hell. Down there Satan received them and told them they were about to be
swimming in the lake of fire and sulfur for eternity. The three scientists
were very afraid and one of them said: "Oh please almighty lord of the
darkness, please give us another chance to live so we can do things right?".

Satan laughed and said: "Why in hell I will let you live again don't you get
it?, this is hell you'll fry for what you've done."

Quickly one of the scientists replied: " Satan we've been bad in our lives
as men but as scientists we're the best and we've done so much for the
world, please give us another chance".

Satan then thinks: "What the hell, lets give 'em a chance, I'll ask 'em
something impossible so they have to stay here and while they try to look
for the answer I'll might be amused by their search".

So Satan says to the three men: "I'll let you go to earth one more time and
if you bring me back something I cannot melt, I'll let you live"

The three scientists look at each other thinking: "Well we might have a
chance".

So the first guy goes to earth as the other two awaited with Satan. He
quickly travels to a small island in the pacific where the US had the best
geologists in the nation studying the volcanic activity in the area. He
gathered them and tells them about the chance he had been given and asks
for their help. One of the geologists told him: "Sir you've come to the
right place, we've just found a special kind of rock formation which we
haven't been able to find it melting point."

So they give the man a sample of the rock and he went back into hell and
gives it to Satan. Satan took the rock in his hands and with little or no
trouble managed to melt it. The second scientist was almost peeing his
pants for what he just have witnessed but went out to find something.

He ran into some kind of Japanese textile secret labs and told his story to
the men there hoping for some help. One Japanese guy told him: "Well mister
you've come to the light place, we recently developed a new type of fabric
that's virtually impossible to melt." They gave the guy the piece of fabric
and he went back into hell and gives it to Satan.

Satan laughs and with no trouble burns the fabric to a crisp. The third
scientist was really scared, he thought: "Well there's no chance for me to
go out there and find something this red hot horned mother fucker can't
melt". And just as he was about to tell Satan to fry him. He remembered
what he had in his pocket.

He reached into it and took out a small rounded green object and handed it
to Satan. Satan laughed and tried to melt it but nothing happened. He the
tries harder and but still nothing happened. Satan is so pissed of he
summons all the dark powers of hell to help him melt the little green thing
but again nothing happened.

So Satan all beat up and exhausted tells the third scientist that he'd just
won, that he'll let him go back to earth an live again but before he left
he had to tell him what this little green thing was that even he couldn't
melt.

The guy replied: "It's an M&M, they melt in your mouth. Not in your hands.

-----
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a
semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his
chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything
we've learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the
existance of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and
finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how
he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

What did he write, they asked.

"What chair?"

-----

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jump into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he
demanded.

Indignantly, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a member of
the Parliment!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

-----

A man went to his doctor to find out why he had been having severe
headaches.  The doctor ran some tests and after a few hours called the man
into his office.

"I've terrible news," he told the patient. "Your condition is terminal."

"Oh, no!" the man wailed,  "How long do I have?"

"Ten..." began the doctor.

"Ten what?" the patient interrupted.  "Days? Months? Years?"

"Nine," said the doctor, "eight, seven, six ..."

-----

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a
virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was
nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good
man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and
exposes his
hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs, he'll take care of you." So ... up she went.

When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his
hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama,
Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man -- go
upstairs and he'll take care of you." So ... up she went.

When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's
missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama,
Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here," says the mother, "This is a job for mama!"

-----

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I
have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful
girl in town.  She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk
with you. Look at your mother, George.  She and I have been married 30
years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women alot. Susan
Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes!
We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news:  "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his
father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to
get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is my half sister."

"Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to
what he says. He's not really your father!"

-----

Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word
of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same,
so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

(1)- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.
(2)- or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter.
(3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and
     will burn everything coming to touch it.

The girl is off full of excitment and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until
just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it" asks mum.

"Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not
to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mum, see it was like this. First he wanted to kiss me and I
told him what you said and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and
again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my
skirt close to the
private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out
and said surprised;

"What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would
love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!!!"

"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the
others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?".

"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very
careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had
me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.

-----

For those who don't know - Haiku = 17 syllable 3 part Japanese poem.
Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
 - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-----

These are taken from real CVs and cover letters and were printed in the
July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:

1.  "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2.  "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3.  "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4.  "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5.  "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6.  "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7.  "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8.  "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9.  "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10.  "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11.  "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12.  "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13.  "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14.  "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond
to my
     resume on my office voice mail."
15.  "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
     absolutely nothing."
16.  "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
     meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17.  "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18.  "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19.  "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20.  "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21.  "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never
     quit a job."
22.  "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23.  "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work
     by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24.  "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25.  "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26.  "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were taken from
actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

-----

Labels

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS  Warning - contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT -  Do not turn upside down. (Written on the
bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING -  Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDECINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning - may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children.

-----

Marriage Quotes

Those who never accept mistakes can never improve.  - TFD

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man,
why is she marrying him?   --Jerry Seinfeld

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.  ---George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word,
if only she'd get to it.  ----Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years,
but that was out of spite.----Woody Allen

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps
with the enemy.-----Anonymous

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits,
and then complain that he's not the man she married?  ---Barbra Streisand

I told someone I was getting married, and they said
"Have you picked a date yet?
I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!"
"What a country! "        ---Yakov Smirnoff

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
interested in one thing,"
and you can'tremember what it is.   -----------Milton Berle

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!---------Henny Youngman

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers, and a bartender. -------Rodney Dangerfield

-----

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling overwomen's breasts is good for a
man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of
staring at the charms of a well-endowed female such as Baywatch actress
Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout," declared
gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer.

Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt,
Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200
male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females
daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower
blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary
artery disease.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation,"
explains Dr. Bouncer. "There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes
men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few
minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half."

Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes
a day looking at breasts sized "D-cup" or greater. "We believe that by
doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five
years."

Dr. Bouncer says she would advise U.S. males to watch "jiggle" shows on TV,
rent low-budget women-in-prison movies and peruse men's magazines such as
Playboy as often as possible.

The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most
likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed "angels of
mercy" include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi
Moore.

-----

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of Scotch, slams the glass onto the bar,
turns to the second  mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my
back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my
teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make
off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams
each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well
when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it
up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good
buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third
mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time
for this bull shit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

-----

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".

"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".

"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up
about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a
couple of hours making love before I go to work".

"Oh I see", said the doc".

"No, hang on", said the young man,"...you see, when I get on the train to
work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and
have sex all the way there".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really
fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".

"Oh....now I see", said the quack.

"No no no", said the randy bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner
lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".

"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.

"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my
boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll
give me the sack".

"Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".

"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to
see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".

"What's your problem?". asked the doc.

"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank".

-----

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decides to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. When she goes down to the docks to do
the deed, a handsome young sailor takes pity on her.

"Look you've got a lot to live for," he says "I'm off to America in the
morning, and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm
around her shoulder and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl dries her tears and nods. After all, what does she have to lose?

That night the sailor takes her on board and hides her in a lifeboat. Every
night from then on, he brings three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and
they make passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" he asks.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He's taking
me to America and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replies the captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry"

-----

I am a sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in the Eastern
Victorian town of Moe and one of my sisters, who lives in Dubbo, is married
to a New Zealander. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two
sisters, who are prostitutes in King's Cross.

I have two brothers,one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence
in Pentridge Prison, Melbourne,for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in
1994, the other currently being held in the Melbourne remand centre on
charges of incest
with his three chilren.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in Sydney and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Redfern Brothel,
however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with
an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking
into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee, utilising
her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two
sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer
them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the
streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this... I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with
her......Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a New Zealander?

-----

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
   know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is
   dead?

3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
   light until you hear them speak?

4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
   tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

6. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
   Shouldn't they be called builts?

7. Why is the alphabet in that order?

8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
   expanding, what is it expanding into?

9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
the taxi
   driver end up owing you money?

10. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

11. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

12. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

13..If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

14. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

15. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not a
    door?

16. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

17. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then
there
    has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must
    have been something before it.

18. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV
    remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

19. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fu&%@ff!
    What good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone
else's
    cake instead?
20. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it
is.
    Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this?
Who and
    where are they? They deserve a beating!

21. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No,
d***head, I
    paid $7 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What
did
    you come here for?

22. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,
    did ya there buddy?

23. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my
    watch is buddy, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask
    where the bathroom is?

-----

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear
one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to
satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a
ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned.  The priest said, "You have to do something
about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they
keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest
about the code word.

The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know
what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

-----

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on
the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The
person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He
exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and
skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and
fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

-----

Annual Internet Cleaning
It's that time again!

As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours
in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates
dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better
working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m. GMT on
April 1 until 12:01 a.m. GMT on April 2 (the time least likely to interfere
with ongoing work). During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet
search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and
delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the
following:

    1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet
       connections.

    2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

    3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the
Internet.

    4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,
and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be
more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the
Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your co-operation.

Kim Dereksen
Network Information Center
Network Solutions, Inc.
Reston, Virginia

-----

After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman
showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get
on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor
came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down
his pants!

"Wait a minute!  What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the
bottled stuff.  You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."

-----

PCMCIA    - People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
DOS       - Defunct Operating System
BASIC     - Bill's Attempt To Seize Industry Control
IBM       - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM   - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding Of
            Mathematics
MIPS      - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS   - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Fools
            Teenagers
APPLE     - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

-----

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to
eat, shop and
stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at
the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why  not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

-----

THE BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE
BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF HAVING A FEW...

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
REALLY think while  photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7.. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Oger.

-----

Excuses if you get caught sleeping at your desk

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
   management course you sent me to."
3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning
   a new paradigm!"
5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
6. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
7. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you
learned
   at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress.
   Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
9. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
   biggest problem."
10. "The coffee machine is broke...."
11. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
12. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
13. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
14. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."

-----

Some Basic Truths

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive?  How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

-----

How Sex is Like Riding a Bicycle

1.  You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2.  It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3.  You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have
a lot
    of experience.

4.  It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5.  You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6.  It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7.  It's best to have a soft place to land.

8.  You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really
    into it.

9.  If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually
best to
    slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. Some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.

-----

MY CAR WILL GO ON...HOPEFULLY (different version of "my heart will go on" -
Celine Dion from TITANIC)


Intro: wispy woodwind
Verse 1:
Every time I start you, I hear you, I feel you
Telling me you cannot...go on.
Far away the Hyundais, the Yugos, they beat us
At 45[mph] you slowly...go on.

Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car!
Once...More...I don't lock the door
And no one'll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

Verse 2:
The battery died that one time, and stalled me a lifetime
I watched as all the others...go on
How the kids they would laugh, the fan belts, do screech-scratch
When I drive with the fan...turned on

Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car!
Once...More...I don't lock the door
And no one'll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

Super-chorus:(same melody, but raised two keys)
This...year..., there's nothing I fear
I got triple-A card to go on
On...the...405 Freeway
I reach for the call box and, my life will go on and on.....

-----

Pearls of Wisdom that celebrate Womanhood!

God created Man before creating Woman, because you need a rough draft before
creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend.
So, who's the dumber sex??

Single women complain that all the "good" men are married, while all the
married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man!

Ever notice how many women's problems can be traced to men?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal Breakdown
GUYnecology

-----

Stacey was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have
to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her
favor, as Stacey had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the
show's host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Stacey agreed to return the following day. She was nervous
and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are.  You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like
garbage tomorrow.

"Relax, honey," her husband reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, he grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?"  Stacey asked. "I have a
little errand to run. I should be back soon."  He replied.

Stacey waited impatiently for his return.  After an agonizing 3 hour
absence, her husband returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
"Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer."

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Stacey, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30
in the morning, however, she was shaken awake by her husband, who was
asking her the quiz show question.  "The head, the heart, and the penis,"
she replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And he asked her again in the morning, this time as she was brushing her
teeth.  Once again, Stacey replied correctly. So it was that Stacey was
once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question
and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and
nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the
host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced
Stacey and asked the big question.

"Stacey, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have
10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. "Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good!  Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!  My husband drilled it into me last night and I
had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

""That's close enough," Said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

-----

There was a Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went
through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in
the carraiges and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes
through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English
bastard again .'

-----

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my  gaaad....", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!?!?!"

-----

Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them
said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd
stay home and  look after the farm and their parents. The one up North
became a salesman, soon  was sales manager, and then vice president and
president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big
company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parentcompany.

One  day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died,
and the funeral is Friday."

He  said,  "Oh,  my  goodness.  I  have  to leave Thursday for a big merger
meeting  in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best
funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."

Well,  the  brother  did  that,  and in a few weeks, the successful brother
received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for
$100  came.  Thinking  they  had  forgotten something, he paid it. The next
month,  another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another
$100  bill  arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why
he was getting these bills.

"Oh,  yes,"  the  brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all
dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood
and  satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted
the best, we rented him a tuxedo."

-----

A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over."

She  touches  her  right  knee  with  her  index finger and says, "Ow! That
 hurts."

She  touches  her  left  cheek  with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That
hurts, too."

She  touches  her  right  earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even
that hurts."

The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?"

She says, "Yes."

The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."

-----

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud
hole and is sinking.  He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives
the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the
bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse,
and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again
and the chicken fell into the mud hole.  The chicken yelled to the horse to
go and get some help from the farmer ...

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!"  So he stretched over
the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:  If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks ...

-----

Actual Laws still in existance

* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to
shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

* It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during
sex.

* In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.

* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so
requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you - or holding
you in his arms.

* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members
of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're
nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law)!

* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple
rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor
between the beds!

* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they
are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

* In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job - for men only - called a corset inspector).

* However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."

* It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk
his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out
of his car to investigate.

* Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.

* Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

* In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

* A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

* Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't".

* No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

-----

The Lokes had just hired a new maid and decided to lay some house rules
firmly at the start.

"Now, look here," began Mrs Loke in a high tone, "I want you to remember
that this family has its breakfast at 7.30am exactly. Understand?"

"Oh don't worry," said the easy-going maid. "If I sleep in, just go ahead
without me. I don't usually have much breakfast anyway."

-----

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

-----

There was a Latino man looking for job. The boss asked, "Do you speak
English?"

"Yes, Senor," he replied.

The boss continued, "I will test your comprehension, make a sentence with
these three words: Green, pink and yellow."

The Latino man laughed, "That's easy, Senor. Here it is: The phone GREENS,
I PINK it up and say YELLOW"

-----

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman, when seeing the 2 cute babies started asking,
"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know".

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?"

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"

-----

Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose
   your house.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with
everyone at
   the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A:  Oral sex  makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

-----

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his
daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the
mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is
that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues,"We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to  the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are
only 19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says.  "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

-----

Well, i hope you enjoyed this Bumper edition!

Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 25 May 98 (08:28:46 +0800)
Subject: [Joke] Tourists...

This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline
"Advice For Tourists". By all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of
people...

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the
pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was
once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you
are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will
be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people,
and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
tossers when you walk down
the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only
between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in
Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do
not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late
for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a w*nk --
everyone will understand and forgive you.

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife
for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the
librarians that you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it
were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he
brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign
of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging."
Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and
have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people
will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the
American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the
best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of
Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you
want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your
request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes
you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse
the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should
order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides
of Yorkshire and East Anglia --
try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your
meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair,
unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk
out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!",
then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your
fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state
your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the
British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless
fun by pretending he doesn't go
to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved
to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can
be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about
the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called
"prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little
confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for
reasons unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to
know that a "doctor" only means a Ph.D. in England, not a physician. If you
want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master
physician").

For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube.
Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or
on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube
musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains
sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The
Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair
and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by
Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty
locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and
ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as
you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in
line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane
stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 25 May 98 (08:28:41 +0800)
Subject: [Joke] Titanic, this REAL Script!

Scene 1 -

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for.
It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat
sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my
fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to
make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an
elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you!
Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and
Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we
are on his side. Boo!)

Scene 2 -

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the
backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the
heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me
of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were
to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you have to take off your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for
that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film
is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell
out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
happened.

KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)

Scene 3 -

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)

ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?

Scene 4 -

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

KATE: That is terrible.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less
annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe,
here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that
we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

Scene 5 -

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been
for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with
your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll
beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)



Cheers,
Robin

--
Robin Abecasis - Acorns in Singapore... (Renegade Offline)
                [e-mail]

From:    Robin Abecasis
To:      [e-mail]
Date:    Mon 25 May 98 (08:28:52 +0800)
Subject: [Joke ??] Numerology

The day of the month on which the you were born - regardless of which month
or year it is - is a key numerological indicator, providing an excellent
"thumbnail sketch" of standout traits. It strongly influences your Life
Path and is helpful in choosing your vocation, since it carries its
greatest influence between approximately your 28th and 56th birthdays. This
is one of the four most important numbers in a chart, the others being the
Soul Urge, Expression and the Life Path. You may find that you vibrate to
one or more of these numbers, i.e., feel a particular draw to them without
consciously knowing why.

1st Day of the Month
A birthday on the first day of the month means that you have a strong will,
are self-reliant and independent. People may say you "think too much,"
because you like to plan but not to actually build. Similarly, you're
better at diagnosing what's wrong than prescribing a remedy. You have a
good mind and like to reason things out. Practical and idealistic at the
same time, you refer most things to your head rather than to your heart. As
a result, although you are capable of great affection,you are not usually
demonstrative of it. In spite of all your independence you are very
sensitive and need positive feedback and encouragement. You possess a great
deal of unexpressed power.

2nd Day of the Month
A birthday on the second day of the month indicates that you are highly
emotional and very sensitive to your environment. Somewhat nervous and
forgetful, you make friends easily and they have great fondness for you.
You're warm hearted and need demonstrated affection, so you like people to
make a fuss over you. It's important that you avoid mood swings and
anything that depresses you. While you like material comfort, you aren't
always willing to make the effort to get it. Your talent for rhythm can be
expressed in writing poetry or music.

3rd Day of the Month
A birthday on the third day of the month indicates that you have great
vitality and can quickly recover from illness. Your vivid imagination
enables you to make a good story out of the smallest event.You have innate
critical and literary abilities, and need a variety of interests to keep
you busy. Intense and extreme in your affections, you have great emotional
crises from which you recover quickly. You're a social animal, expressive
in public and at your top form in front of an audience. Although you are
restless, you are also easily satisfied and able to make the best of
conditions.

4th Day of the Month
A birthday on the fourth day of the month indicates a four-square
individual, a lover of nature, home, family and country. You are most
likely to be successful in manufacturing, building, utilities, textiles -
any occupation connected with the products of the earth. Music,painting or
sculpting offer relaxing sidelines, although you could commercialize any of
these as well. You're rather set in your ideas and tend to impose them on
others, seeing yourself as the final arbiter of
good manners and correct ethics. Your belief in discipline makes it hard
for you to express your feelings, and as a result you suffer a great deal
emotionally. When it comes to work, you drive yourself tirelessly -- and,
unfortunately, everyone else, too. You have a decided tendency to overwork
and if need be should schedule time for recreation.

5th Day of the Month
A birthday on the fifth day of the month indicates that you are adaptable,
enthusiastic and somewhat boastful. You have a fine mind and active
imagination, and love to serve up your stories with all the trimmings. A
lover of life, hale fellow well met, you're excellent company and keep
things moving rapidly. Yours is a life filled with all sorts of new
experiences and constant change. Although you are the type who refuses to
be tied down by anything, you are the "marrying kind." You have a good
singing and speaking voice.

6th Day of the Month
A birthday on the sixth day of the month indicates a love nature. You bloom
with praise and appreciation, but wilt in the face of criticism. When
involved in a relationship you lavish your affection on your beloved - at
least for as long as the relationship lasts. The 6 seeks perfection and
seldom finds it, so it looks elsewhere. Following such a course will earn
you a reputation for being untrustworthy. You love children but don't have
to have your own to be happy. Even though you are well protected, you worry
constantly about not having enough money. Mental rather than intellectual,
you have natural acting abilities that
can help you succeed on the stage or in business. You have literary and
artistic tendencies,and can attract the money or backing you need. The one
area in which you are not talented is mechanics. Having people around you
in a harmonious atmosphere is essential to your well being.

7th Day of the Month
A birthday on the seventh day of the month indicates a specialist, one with
a keen mind capable of deep mental analysis. You shouldn't gamble or
speculate; on the contrary, you must closely examine every detail of any
enterprise before becoming involved in it. Strongly intuitive if not
psychic, you should never take advice that goes against your "gutfeelings."
You must WAIT for what you want rather than aggressively seek it, for what
you long for comes to you only if it is not actively sought. You have
talent for stringed instruments (including the piano) and the organ, as
well as excellent judgment in money matters. Your
opinions are firm and you don't like to change them; moreover, physical
adjustments are not easy for you and you tend to be a loner, all of which
makes marriage difficult. Spend a portion of each day alone to relax and
meditate.

8th Day of the Month
A birthday on the eighth day of the month indicates a creative, productive
individual with natural business acumen. Progressive and expansive, you
deal well in matters of general or public interests, but should avoid equal
partnerships because you need to be in a position to make the final
decisions. Large businesses, corporations or governmentare your bailiwick,
in any of which you must express honesty and integrity in order to be
permanently successful. More fond of books than you are of reading, you're
inclined toward large gestures; if you have it, you give great sums of
money to institutions or charities. You are somewhat ostentatious and want
your family to be a credit to you.

9th Day of the Month
A birthday on the ninth day of the month indicates publicity, distribution,
art, broadmindedness and philanthropy (defined in The Wizard of Oz as "good
deed doing"). You're interested in metaphysics and relate them to what's
going on in the world. Literary, artistic and strong willed, you're a
natural ruler who can succeed in almost anything artistic, as well as
writing, teaching, law, publishing or the ministry. You need a broad
education so that you can better choose your profession. You belong both in
and to the world, making it difficult for you to lead a purely personal
life successfully. Marriage during the middle portion of your life is
likely to end, through death, divorce or some other separation, though the
love may remain intact. Yours is a life filled with long journeys and many
changes.

10th Day of the Month
A birthday on the tenth day of the month indicates a person with many
interests, capable of doing several things at the same time. Many others
depend on you but few offer help, so you may feel rather isolated and
alone. You have a good mind and strong will, and are an adept promoter of
things you believe in. When it comes to friends and possessions (which you
may regard in the same light) you are quite jealous and exclusive -you do
not share either. Your creative talent is best expressed in the business
world, but art, particularly music or painting, is a fulfilling sideline.
Hospitable but not domestic, you don't like to be burdened with the details
of maintaining a home. Your vitality enables you to quickly recover from
physical and emotional ills.

11th Day of the Month
A birthday on the eleventh day of the month indicates an inspired,
imaginative individual with determination and perseverance, but with
fluctuating levels of energy. In keeping with this master vibration, you
are very dramatic in both thought and action, brilliant, scintillating,but
nervous and high strung. You react quickly - shoot from the hip - and need
to be careful that your intellect doesn't bury your intuition. There's a
tendency for you to impose your own moral code on others and not allow for
human frailty. Your passions are intense, extreme and without reason; in
fact, you are a person of extremes all around, in the clouds one minute,in
the pits the next. In reacting to these extremes, take care not to
overcorrect. Guard your health and nerves, and avoid any tendency to be
mercenary, acquisitive or self-aggrandizing.

12th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twelfth day of the month indicates a brilliant, magnetic,
imaginative person, a good speaker who can be very convincing in an
argument. Since you have a well balanced mind, artistic tendencies and
enjoy life and action, you could succeed as a trial lawyer, actor or in
sales/advertising. Your high ideals demand that you have a"mission" in
life. You need to keep intellectually active to avoid the ups and downs
that are the handicap of all 3's. Your flair for design would serve you
well in architecture or interior decorating. Flirtatious and inclined
toward affairs, you need to finish what you start and avoid the tendency to
scatter.

13th Day of the Month
A birthday on the thirteenth day of the month indicates a riddle inside a
contradiction, creativity, expansion and restlessness(1+3) behind
regularity and limitation (4). You are sensitive and spiritual, suffer
through your environment, and are given to explosions of temper. Your good
mind is offset by an exceptionally stubborn will, and while you have a
strong love nature, you seldom show it and then suffer because of it. Often
misunderstood, you are considered temperamental and at times unreasonable,
and while you are inclined to be dictatorial, you are an excellent manager.
Your best success is in dealing with the earth - mining, geology, practical
construction. A walking dichotomy, you love a uniform but hate war. Home is
essential to your happiness.

14th Day of the Month
A birthday on the fourteenth day of the month indicates a versatile and
dual person with both a reasoning and a prophetic mind. "Lucky" in games of
chance and contests, you're a natural bettor and gambler. Your success lies
in business on a large scale, but you need some form of artistic expression
for recreation and to "let off steam." Very emotional, you can always be
appealed to through your feelings and sympathies. You are apt to crave
constant change, and should avoid all of the pitfalls associated with the
physical - drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and other sexual excess. You can be
a bridge between the physical and spiritual worlds, and have great
constructive or destructive power - as you choose.

15th Day of the Month
A birthday on the fifteenth day of the month indicates a gifted person
under the protection of the kindly, harmonious six who absorbs knowledge
rather than acquires it through hard study. In fact, you attract many
things - friends, gifts, money, opportunities, and give the impression of
youthfulness and good health. You're capable of much self-sacrifice for a
good cause or to help a friend, but you will not submit to domination. Your
mind is scientific but your expession is often musical; although your
success lies in a professional career, music plays a pivotal role
throughout your life. You love your home, and while you are demonstrative
and generous, you are more inclined toward individual acts
of charity than to institutional philanthropy.

16th Day of the Month
A birthday on the sixteenth day of the month indicates a nervous and
sometimes irritable person who makes complications and intricacies and then
suffers the consequences. Naturally aloof, you nonetheless lean toward home
and affection. Though you can suceed in art or literature, your powers of
reason and analysis demand a business outlet as well. While not actively
aggressive, you don't like your plans interfered with. You tend to put off
until whenever the things you know you should be doing right now, and live
too much within yourself. As much as you want affection, you don't always
make the effort to earn it.

17th Day of the Month
A birthday on the seventeenth day of the month indicates a high minded,
proud spirited individual, sometimes liberal, sometimes conservative,
generous or stingy, collecting or dissipating. Very set in your ideas, you
seldom yield to others; in business you do best at the head of the
enterprise, working with under-partners. You execute whatever you do, have
a particular talent for managing the interests and affairs of others, and
are drawn to dealing in large affairs. The details are for someone else to
take care of, since you hate to be bothered with them. You can be
successful in any enterprise connected with the earth (e.g., land, mining,
oil, livestock), as well as writing, though you are more inclined to
technical or historical writing than to fiction. You love
knowledge and like to explore. When it comes to spiritual matters, you want
proof.

18th Day of the Month
A birthday on the eighteenth day of the month indicates a person whose life
is filled with change, activity and travel. You may find yourself
responsible for the care of groups or communities that will tap your fund
of helpfulness. Much is expected of you because much has been given to you:
The independence of the 1 and the efficiency of the 8, manifesting to
mankind through the 9. Since you don't like to take advice, it's as well
that you rarely need it. You're drawn to any large field in need of
efficient administration (e.g., law, politics, religion), and although your
first efforts may not always succeed, you do succeed on repetition - so
try, try again. Somewhat emotional, you are nonetheless intellectual and
enjoy both reasoning and arguing. These traits equip you well as a drama
critic, writer or speaker. In money matters you are never rash, for you
feel the responsibility of handling material assets. Marriages or
engagements made during the middle portion of your life are likely to be
broken.

19th Day of the Month
A birthday on the nineteenth day of the month indicates the full gamut of
the vibrations, from 1 through 9, influencing your personality. Logical,
persevering, tenacious, practical , artistic and universal, you can rise to
great heights or fall to great depths in both acts and emotions. You're
independent and must not submit to limitations. This independence is the
source of your dislike of society's conventions, which you refuse to follow
in your private life, though you don't give public offense. Your
versatility opens a wide range of career options for you, though you are
suited to a profession rather than to business. Your deep sense of
responsibility and strong impulse to better conditions equip you well for
politics if you are so inclined. You crave change and variety, are always
altering your surroundings and will need to make many adjustments in your
personal life.

20th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twentieth day of the month indicates a person best suited
to small business, in a friendly, protective atmosphere. You prefer to work
with others rather than shoulder all the responsibility yourself, and are
somewhat disinclined to branch out into larger fields. Although you are a
better speaker on paper than before crowds, your instinctive compassion and
sensitivity suits you well to politics or ministry. Sympathetic and
affectionate, you're able to accumulate a store of knowledge and should
have a good education. Your attention to detail makes you well suited to
professions demanding that trait, such as corporate law or estate
management. You prefer the country to the city and are deeply vested in
your home, family and friends. While you like to be helpful, you're not
inclined toward avoidable manual labor. Musical expression uplifts you,
though you should pursue this as part of a group rather than a soloist.

21st Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-first day of the month indicates an individual
blessed with a beautiful singing and speaking voice that is a significant
asset. Magnetic and musical, fond of beauty, art and dancing, you are
rather nervous and high strung. You need to get a grip on the inexplicable
aversions you feel toward certain things and people. When it comes to love
you're more receptive than active in expressing it, but you take great
pride in the objects of your affections. Your active imagination leads you
to be suspicious, which can cause serious problems in relationships,
especially marriage. Avoid the tendency to
brood or become depressed. Inherently drawn to books, publishing, editing
and related fields, you can be very successful in anything educational.

22nd Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-second day of the month indicates a high powered
individual who functions in both the objective and subjective worlds. This
is a master vibration and as such, nervous and over-stimulated; you need
rest and seclusion in order to recharge and maintain your equilibrium.
Highly intuitive, you should rely on your first impressions. Although you
have unlimited power on both planes, you are constantly pulled between
expressing your ideals and keeping them within constructive limits. The 22
bears the mission of universal utilitarianism, which leaves little room for
personal ambitions. Your greatest success lies in the world of form, in any
line that meets your ideals and contributes to the general good. Avoid any
dubious or illegal transactions; you would be sure to be caughtand suffer
the consequences.

23rd Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-third day of the month indicates a sympathetic,
sensitive, understanding person with a practical turn of mind. You have an
uncanny ability to diagnose physical ailments and would therefore be well
suited for a career in medicine (but not surgery, since the mission of this
vibration is to build and heal instead of tear downand destroy). Your
technical ability and practicality may give you an interest in law,
chemistry or stocks, but you are simply too practical to succeed in art.
Self-sufficient, popular and sociable, you do not suffer from an
inferiority complex. You get a lot out of life because you make the best of
any situation. You're a good friend who is willing to take on many
responsibilities.

24th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-fourth day of the month indicates an extremely
active person who must keep on the go in order to avoid wasting energy.
Though you concentrate on one thing at a time, you thrive on constant
change; you aren't the type to retire because you need to keeping expanding
and enlarging. You're strongly allied to art and have considerable talent
for the stage - your nature is thoroughly dramatic - but are more likely to
succeed in business or real estate. Externals don't count much with you, so
you don't have much appreciation for the value of time or money. You're
primarily practical, with a little
inclination to dream and a large inclination to magnify your joys and
sorrows. You have a decidedly domestic nature along with a well developed
ego and will learn much through your powers of observation. Avoid
depression, jealousy and worry.

25th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-fifth day of the month indicates a naturally
prophetic and intuitive person with a strong leaning toward the occult. You
tend to conceal your true feelings and as a result are not always
understood. Artistically gifted, you can commercialize almost any area of
art to which you are inclined. Success can also be enjoyed in the
professions, business or the constructive side of politics. You tend to be
vacillating and inconsistent, and until you overcome this tendency your
affairs will suffer. It's imperative that you learn to concentrate, force
your mind into stability and away from a sense of inferiority,
self-pity and depression. Your affections are your greatest weakness, and
you must always stay on the straight and narrow, for there's a strong
tendency to wander from the path that inclines you to preach morals but
practice excess. Idealistic and hopeful, you need to work against laziness.

26th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-sixth day of the month indicates an individual
with full closets and drawers, for nothing is too small for practical use,
and you just know that you'll need it if you get rid of it. You're very
introspective and tend to live in the past - to the detriment of the
present and future. Although you start many things, you find it hard to
finish them, and either rise above or fall below average - as you choose.
You can commercialize anything in the artistic lines - except music- in a
big way. You can also do well in politics or diplomacy, and should have a
good education. You have a beautiful domestic nature, love home and
children and are the "marrying kind." Fastidious about your
personal belongings and fond of color and show in the clothes you wear, you
nonetheless do not insist on physical comforts and are very generous to
others.

27th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-seventh day of the month indicates a more
materially inclined individual than those born on the other "9"birthdays
(9th and 18th). The 27 is a strong marriage vibration, though the
experience may be disappointing. You're forceful, quietly determined but
somewhat erratic, a natural leader who cannot be satisfied in a subordinate
position. Neither do you like to account for your own conduct. Versatile
and artistic, you also have literary talents and could be a journalist,
writer, lecturer or teacher. You're ardent in your affections but tend to
overdo family traits. Your religious tendencies are toward Eastern beliefs
and away from orthodoxy.

28th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-eighth day of the month indicates a strong willed,
dominant, tenacious person who is nonetheless filled with love and willing
to go to any lengths for its sake. In this regard, your unions may be
unconventional, but are always in keeping with your ideals. Executive by
nature, you want to excel and will make great sacrifices to do so. Your
tendency to daydream and goof off could nullify all your wonderful gifts,
so you must never let laziness get the upper hand. Most of your
disappointments come from magnifying everything that concerns your life.
Freedom is essential to you; you suffer when restrained or limited in
anyway. Watch out for the tendency to drop your ideals once you have
realized them, since this can deny you your final success.

29th Day of the Month
A birthday on the twenty-ninth day of the month indicates inspiration,
spirituality and leadership abilities, since this is a master vibration
(2+9=11). You have a unique ability to bring together disparate forces and
can mediate labor problems or unify religious differences. Your powers are
great; you can use them to bring honor or destruction to yourself and
others - as you choose. You're an extremist in everything, intense in love
and judgments, either way up or way down emotionally. Home is essential to
your happiness, but you're high strung and moody, and not easy to live
with. You get absorbed in your dreams, aspirations
and plans and forget to consider the needs or feelings of those around you.
You need a definite work to keep you balanced and efficient.

30th Day of the Month
A birthday on the thirtieth day of the month indicates a vital, rather
nervous individual who seldom suffers from illnesses thanks to an enviable
ability to throw them off. You need to avoid any type of obsession and
should never experiment with the occult "for fun." Set in your opinions,
you always think you're right, basing your conclusions on a little
knowledge combined with much imagination and intuition. Fundamentally
loyal, a true friend, you would make a good teacher, writer or social
worker. You're flirtatious, but fundamentally loyal and like to be thanked
for the thoughtful things you do. Although you're an
excellent manager, you're not terribly fond of work.

31st Day of the Month
A birthday on the 31st day of the month indicates a person who, like those
born on the thirtieth, shouldn't play with psychic phenomena. Your
aspirations aren't always reasonable, which leads to disappointments; you
need to apply practicality and patient hard work to your endeavors in order
to succeed. You don't like to live alone and responsibility is a stabilizer
for you, so it makes sense that you're the "marryingkind." You have good
business qualities but need to get a grip on your tendency to spend money
and dissipate other assets foolishly. Interior decoration, writing,
chemistry and pharmacy (you have a special talent
for combining drugs and medicines) are other career avenues for which you
are well suited. You never forget a kindness - or an injury, real or imagined.


Subject: FW:Americans vs Geography


>> The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you
>> wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the
>> world in geography)...
>>
>> A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going
>> over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
>> California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>>
>> I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
>> explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
>> interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
>> Capetown  is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
>> the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts,
>> Capetown is in Africa." her response....click.
>>
>> A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me
>> various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had
>> her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New
>> Orleans, Louisiana.  She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and
>> that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A. Worst of all, when I called
>> her back, she was not even embarrassed.
>>
>> A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
>> wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
>> ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since
>> Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
>> I looked on the map and Flordia is a very thin state."
>>
>> I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from
>> Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."
>>
>> Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I
>> pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in
>> Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I
>> heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the
>> gates to save time."
>>
>> A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
>> her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
>> 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
>> Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
>> Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
>>
>> A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
>> on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No,
>> why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
>> airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
>> overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for
>> a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came
>> back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the
>> airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
>>
>> I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which
>> plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he
>> replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn
>> planes have numbers on them."
>>
>> A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those
>> computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
>> commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
>>
>> A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed
>> in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
>> reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
>> times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure
>> enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
>> I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American
>> Express."

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton
     walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm.

     Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went
     about their daily tasks.

     The day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
     Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of state.
     Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared

     ask the President's personal business.

     Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the
     office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her.

     "Mr. President," she said.  "We've come to expect many unusual things
     from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a
     pair of woman's panties on your arm.  Please tell me this doesn't mean

     more trouble."

     "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch.  I'm trying to quit."





> AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
> accidents.  Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by
> flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash
> and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered
> torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right
> hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for
> his first day of work and, in addition to a good- bye kiss, she
> flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she
> said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone
> would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."
> However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab,
> running over the curb and into the corner of the ohnson Medical
> Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning
> Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her
> jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick.  In  shock, he bit
> down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was
> caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
> when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
> the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation
> grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
> bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
> discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had
> continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable
> had been left near the railing.  Bingham's leg and the other end was
> tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
> and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall
> into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
> "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
> that night. There's just no other explanation for it."  Bingham's foot
> was never located.
> --------------------------------------------------------------
> On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
> robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact
> that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally
> stupid choices as listed below:
> 1.   The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
> 2.   The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
> portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
> handguns in public places;
> 3.   To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
> patrol car parked at the front door;
> 4.   An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
> coffee before reporting to duty.
> Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
> fired a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned
> fire, removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers also
> drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
> bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it
> would protect him against a knife attack.  It didn't, and the
> 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.  It is good to see the
> Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
> commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose
> around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.
> He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes.  He even tried to
> shoot himself at the last moment.  He jumped and fired the pistol.
> The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.
> Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden
> dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison.  He was
> dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to
> hospital, where he died ... of hypothermia.
> ------- End of forwarded message -------
>

Extreme bumper stickers...


Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
 5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement
park.
EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her   ...or something like
that.
Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!

-----

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My...what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have  Mr.Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track Little
Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off?! I'm
trying to take a shit!"

-----

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that
for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says:  "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you
another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep,
 and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say
they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I
remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just
drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with
the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

-----

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child  thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom
wearing  black!!!???"

-----

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on  a long flight from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a
fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that
the game is really easy and alot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since
she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the
first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and
searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails
to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an
hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

-----

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn
and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, sir," replied one boy.  "We just seeing who can tell the
biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys! Boys!" the preacher intoned. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, we
never thought about sex at all."

The boys replied in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

-----

A girl asks her boyfriend over Friday night to have dinner with her
parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the
first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls house and meets his girlfriend at
the door. "Oh I'm so exited for you to meet my parents, come in".  The boy
goes inside and is escorted to the dinner table where the girls parents are
seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and
still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea that your father was a
pharmacist."

-----

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire
suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by,
running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts
are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to
do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from being the
hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the  whole
thing. "Hey, pal!  Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the
other three wheels?  That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a
garage or something."

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the
plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he
leaves, he calls back to the patient.  "You know, that was pretty sharp
thinking. Why do they have you in there?"

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because
I'm stupid."

-----

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining
patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr.
Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that
you've been recommended  for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might
do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for
mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on
the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in
the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go
back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on
being a teapot."

-----

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day the
Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek
there way in life. "You have led a very sheltered life and you are going
into an extremely sinful world", she said. "I must warn you that men will
take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. Take you to
restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to apartments and motels
where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty
dollars and kick you out".

"Excuse me, Mother", one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take
advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy".

-----

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her
hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she
doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this
until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she
really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey,
what's for dinner?"; he doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a
few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

-----

Titanic Version
You jump ... I jump

friend version
I want to jump ... anybody else want to jump?

leadership version
I jump ... all of you jump after me

follower version
We will jump after you jump

coward version
You jump ... tell me if it is ok ... then I jump

calculative version
I've already jump last time ... now it is your turn to jump

commercial version
You should jump because every celebrities and famous people jump

programmer version
If (you.jump()) then (I.jump())

complicated version
If you jump then I jump that means if You don't jump I might still jump

doubtful version
You jump .... are you sure you want to jump ? .... no kidding? ... promise?

gambler version
We'll throw a coin if it is head I jump ... if it is tail you jump

tarzan version (just got to know Jane)
"You Jump, Me Tarzan"

forrest gump version
"My name is Jump, Forest Jump"

007 version
The name's Bond, Jump's Bond

-----

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as
much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet
shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The
owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful
bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar
stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She
told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold her
the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room,
then  at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters
returned from school.

When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new
madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first,
but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, George, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores ... same
old faces. Hi George!"

-----

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in Fathers room
the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"

"What did you do?", the other nuns asked.

"Well of course I threw them in the trash".

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting
away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?", they asked

"I poked holes in all of them!", she replied.

The third nun fainted!

-----

A college professor had a few days off and decided to go to the zoo. He
enjoyed looking at the varied wild-life as he wandered hrough the paths,
and sat down by the monkeys to rest. He became very perplexed as he noticed
that one monkey had a bowl of peanut, and would pull out a peanut, look at
it, stuff it up his anus, take it out and eat it.

He watched the monkey do this until the entire bowl was empty. Being rather
upset and confused about what he had witnessed, he went up to the offices,
and asked to speak with the zoo-keeper.

When he was led into the keeper's office, he told him that something was
definitely wrong with one of his monekys. After he related what he had
seen, the keeper gravely nodded his head and sait that the monkey he had
seen was the smartest animal in the zoo.

Totally baffled, the Professor asked him how that could be? "Well," said
the zoo-keeper, "last week that monkey ate a whole peach, and it hurt him
so bad when the pit came out, that now he checks everything before he eats
it to make sure it will fit!"

-----

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically
through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he
had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the
pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called
"Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had
four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in
for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the
way home to get another bottle for later .."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of
whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of
the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

-----

A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile later
his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages to catch
her  attention but is unable to make her hear what he is shouting. However,
he thinks she should understand what he wants if he uses sign language.

So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary
pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then
puts the tips of
his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.

His wife waves to him and then grasps both her tits, then grabs her pussy
and lastly lifts up her ass cheeks.

"Stupid bitch", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a fucking thing".
So he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.

Exhasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife.
"Didn't you understand a damn thing you stupid cow?' he asks.

"Yes", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard in the
shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the toolbox
under the seat
you dozy cunt."

-----

A woman woke up and told her husband about her last night's dream. "I was
at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones
for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last
night's dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's
sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife:  "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

-----

HOW DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Computer version

Assembler Chicken:  First it builds the road...

C Chicken:  It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply
refer to him on the other side.

COBOL Chicken:     0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
            IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES
            THEN PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
            VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
            ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
            ELSE
            GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSINGc

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip
it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the
other side.

G3 300 mH Chicken: It crosses twice as fast as any Pentium chicken Gopher
Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Intel Pentium Chicken: The chicken crossed 4.9999978 times.

Iomega Chicken: The chicken should have backed up before crossing.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server
will download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets.)

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just
bought the road.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can
carry it across the road in your pocket!

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.

OS/ 8.1 HFS+ Chicken: It had much more free space to cross.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all
sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

VB Chicken: USHighways!<TheRoad.cross> (aChicken)

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Windows 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses,
but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Windows 98 Chicken: It should have expected to cause a crash while crossing.

-----

The Good and the Bad and the Ugly...

Good:  Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:   You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly:  Your daughter borrowed them

Good:  Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad:   You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly:  You're in them

Good:  Your husband understands fashion
Bad:   He's a cross dresser
Ugly:  He looks better than you

Good:  Your son's finally maturing
Bad:   He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly:  So are you

Good:  You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad:   She keeps interrupting
Ugly:  With corrections

Good:  Your wife's not talking to you
Bad:   She wants a divorce
Ugly:  She's a lawyer

Good:  The postman is early
Bad:   He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly:  You gave him nothing for Christmas

-----

A chic young woman walking down Main Street with one breast hanging loose
outside her dress.  An officer of the law walks up to her. "I'm arresting
you for indecent exposure," says the cop.

The young woman looks down in horror and exclaims, "Oh my gosh, I left the
baby on the bus!"

-----

Two old ladies were walking down the street one wintry day when they heard
a voice calling for help.  They looked around and saw a little green leg
sticking out from beneath a snowbank. One of the ladies digs down and pulls
out a very cold frog and starts warming it up in her hands.

"Oh thank you, thank you," says the frog. "I was freezing to death under
that snowbank before you came along and saved me."

The ladies are, of course, amazed by the fact that this frog can talk.

The frog continues, "You know, I'm not actually a frog, and if you kiss me
I'll turn back into a handsome prince."

The lady nods at this but just slips the frog into her pocket. The other
lady looks puzzled and asks, "Well, aren't you going to kiss him and see if
it works?"

The first lady replies, "Certainly not! I can make a whole lot more money
with a talking frog."

-----

A good-looking woman walked into an orchard, found a lovely pool and
decided to take a swim.  She looked around, didn't see anyone and
undressed.  Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from
behind the bush where he had been hiding and told her that swimming was
prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

"Why?" he replied. "Only swimming is prohibited. Undressing isn't."

-----

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the
apple, and wondered about men and women.

So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few
questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so
curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid?  Certainly not so that
could love her?"

"Well Adam, No.  I did that so that she could love you."

-----

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think Accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."

"I think Librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon.  "When you
open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on Electricians, all their
organs are color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on Lawyers because they are
heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are
interchange-able."

-----

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a
large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open
an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further,
she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with
the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of
cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president,
who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president`s
office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.

The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity
was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such
a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."

"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or
in casinos...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I`ll bet you
$50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up
such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return
at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the
president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in
order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular
Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find
that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed
for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was
about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied
by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he
was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving
significant sums were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the
funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the
evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a
reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up,unbuckled his
belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for
any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the
corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What`s the
matter with him?"

She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
"Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the
president of the bank by the balls."

-----

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is
replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has
left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope numbered 1
should be opened if he encounters any sort of crisis in the job. If a
further crisis occurs he should open the envelope numbered 2.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are
wrong - you know what it's like - and the accountant feels very threatened
by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and
opens the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame me."

He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later there is another crisis and he opens the second
envelope. The message says, "Write two envelopes".

-----

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every
day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the bottom drawer of his desk,
peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer.

He had done this for 25 years! The entire staff was intrigued but no-one
was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr
Evans to retire. There was a farewell party  with speeches and a
presentation. As soon as Mr Evans
had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the
bottom drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet
of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."

-----

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of
the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the
other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage
and burn. What do you think about that?"

The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

-----

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old
daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story,
especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach,
would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

-----

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When
Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like
your thinking."

-----

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

-----

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes
through the usual questionnaire.

"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter

"Public Practitioner," is the reply.

"Name?"

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span,"
says St Peter.

"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only
forty-eight"

"No, that's impossible. "

"Why do you say that?"

"Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged
your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."

-----

"I think I have a problem, doc," says the patient, "one of my balls has
turned blue". The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient
dies if they don't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient, "how could I let you do such a thing
to me!"

"You want to die?", asks the doctor retorically, and the patient has to
agree to have his testicle removed.

But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how
to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be
cut off, too, and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?", asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with
the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor: "I
think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he
wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear
about it.

"You want to die?", asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry:
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says: "Hmmmm, I
don't know, could it be the jeans?..."

-----

A virgin white girl gets married to a black guy and she's rather nervous
about the wedding night as she's heard that black men are better endowed
than white men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how
to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The
wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door.

"Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.

"No, I"m OK" she replies.

Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still
OK?"

"Yes" she replies.

A further foot comes around the door and she says "I'm still not nervous".

"OK," her husband replies, "I'm coming up the stairs"

-----

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells
them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St.
Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy!  It's the holiday in November when
everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same
question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her
she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks,
"What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration
of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and
Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by oneof his
disciples.  The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails
through his hands.  He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every
year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can comeout...and, if he sees
his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

-----

Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's
rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight
out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would
be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

-----

Pilot to Tower...  Help! Pilot to tower . . .  pilot to tower . . .  I am
300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . .  and running out of
fuel . . .  please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . .  tower to pilot . . .  repeat after me: "Our Father,
which art in heaven . . ."

-----

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support
your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

-----

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in
the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide
to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the
president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors,
and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to
everybody's amazement, Mr. Guiness orders a Coke!!

"Why didn't you order a Guiness?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah.  If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

-----

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:

   * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
   * 2 French men and 1 French woman
   * 2 German men and 1 German woman
   * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
   * 2 English men and 1 English woman
   * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
   * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
   * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....

One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
"menage a trois".

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman
and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of
feminism.  But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up
a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least
they know the English aren't getting any...

-----

Titanic Q & A

Q : Why did Jack die but Rose live ??
A (Official) : He loved her so he stayed in the icy water and let her stay
on the floating debris with coat and life jacket on.
A(Unofficial) : She has more fat than he does.

Q : Why did Rose throw away the 'Heart Of The Ocean' at the end ??
A (Official) : As in all love stories, love is held far above any treasure
on earth. The 'object' of love is returned to the 'love of her life',whose
spirit lives on at the bottom of the ocean.
A (Unofficial) : She finally realised it's just plastic.

Q : Why did the censors cut the nude scene ??
A (Official) : So that the film will not have an RA rating.
A (Unofficial) : The sketch was better than the original.

Q : Why didn't Rose jump when she was teetering on the bow of the ship ??
A (Official) : Jack persuaded her not to.
A (Unofficial) : She was actually afraid that she might smash her pretty
face on the propellor. (Remember her excuse for leaning too far out that
she slipped??)

Q : Why didn't the lights go off on the deck when the engine rooms were
already flooded ??
A (Official) : They have different points!!
A (Unofficial) : You need lights to see the whole incident clearly!!! That
is the high point of the movie or else how to touch a place in your heart
to watch more and helping TITANIC get so many places in Oscar.

-----

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost
his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island
in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the
beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin and the magic lamp he rubbed it
and... POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad
to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and
soul! What can I do for you my boy?"

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course
I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about
my margins."

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white
and surrounded by women."

"No problem." said the Genie,...... POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed
into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string
attached.

-----

A friend was grocery shopping with his wife one afternoon. They happened to
be walking down the feminine hygene aisle and my friend was totally amazed
at the number of different flavored douches that were available. They had
cherry, peach, raspberry, etc.

So my friend turns to his wife and asks,"Honey, if they have all of these
new flavors available, why do you still keep using tuna?"

-----

You see, the place where I grew up in Central New York State was serious
farming country -- apple, dairy, and other fruits such as berries were the
biggest items. Well, there was one farmer, name of Mayne, who consistently
won the state prizes for the best milk and milk products.

He was quite successful financially, and his farm was large enough that he
needed a small helicopter to get around it. One day, some officials from
the State Dairy Board dropped in to talk to him. The Chairman, his
Assistant, and Mr. Mayne all got in the helicopter and took a flying tour
of the pastures. As they were flying by, the Chairman noted that despite
the huge acreage, many of the cows were congregated in one pasture, whose
ground cover was much darker green than the rest. The Chairman asked about
this, and Mr. Mayne replied "Oh, yes. That's part
of my secret, you see. Some years ago I bought out part of the land
belonging to one of my neighbors, who was a fruit farmer. Anyway, he'd
planted strawberries, and I just let the cows eat them, intending to
replant later. Well, the cows that had been pastured out there produced
much more milk, and of higher quality, that I planted more berries for them
to eat, and you have seen the results."

The Chairman nodded, and said "I should have realized that -- it makes
sense: ... strawberry fields for heifer."

-----

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street.  "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky
for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

-----

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works in
a little hill town in Arkansas. He is to paint lines down the center of a
rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must
stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired. The
man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he
thought, "this man will work out."

The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought,
"well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."

The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I
need to talk to him."

The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great,
the first day you did 4 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only
did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure,
anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

The man replied "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

-----

An American is walking down the street in London on a windy day.

A woman is walking down the street toward him when suddenly the wind blows
her dress up.  Astonishingly, she is not wearing undies.

The American, trying to sound as English as possible, says to her, "A bit
airy, isn't it?"

The woman scowls and replies angrily, "What did you expect, feathers?"

-----

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up
with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and
threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital
when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked: "What's going on?"

To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

-----

A golf club sign informing visitors of its dress code:

Guys: NO Shirts, No Golf
Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fees

-----

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan!

-----

Q:  How are men and parking spots alike?
A:  The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

-----

It is rumored that Hillary Clinton is about to release a no-holds-barred,
tell-all expose' of her years as the wife of the nations foremost
womanizer. To please the Democratic National Committee she has agreed not
to use her name but will assume the pen-name "Sharon Peters."

-----

An eighty year old man visits the doctor. He tells the doctor he is about
to be married to a 25 year old and wants to start a family. The old man
asks for something to make him virile.

The doctor gives him a prescription but says he also wants to make a
suggestion. "I think you you should take in a young boarder."

Several months go by and the old man visits the doctor again. "How are
you?" says the doctor.

"I'm fine!" says the patient.

"And how is your wife?" says the doctor.

"She's pregnant!" says the old man.

"Did you take in a young boarder like I suggested?" says the doctor.

"Yes I did!" says the patient.

"And how is the boarder?" says the doctor.

"Oh!" says the patient, "She's pregnant too!"

-----

A guy storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest
whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a double. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another
one."

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why
don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So the man relates the following story: Well, I was sitting in the bar next
door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and sits beside me at the bar.
Well, a couple of minutes later she leans over, licks my ear, and asks if
I'm interested?

I say sure, so she grabs my hand and we leave. She took me down the street
here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she
slips out of her dress and I get out of my cloths.

As soon as we jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone
starts fumbling with the door.

The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his boxing
match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide'

So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place
he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there also. By now I could hear the key in the
lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there
by my fingers praying that the guy would not see me. I hear the guy finally
get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping with now?'

The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the
closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't
hide in there.'

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I
didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say 'What's that over
there by the window?'

I think 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by now is trying real
hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a
long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,

when all of a sudden the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of
the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second
degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders.

Now that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window
shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a
bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass. But that was not the worst
part."

The bartender then says, "that all sounds pretty bad, what could be worse?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was
only about 6 inches off the ground!"

-----

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot
dog cart and says," Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes
a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?"
asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

-----

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The
wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At
the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for
the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with
the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he
woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them
all down the stairs.

The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway
wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

-----

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1.  COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP

2.  BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3.  DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4.  WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5.  DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6.  YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG

7.  IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8.  IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY

9.  IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10.  SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK

11.  IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

12.  ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

13.  NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

14.  WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

15.  A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

16.  NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

-----

In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number of
rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed intending
to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising. His advisors solved
the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a
precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment by renting
forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in
harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor. Unfortunately, shortly
after their arrival at the scene, the elephants startled by nearby battle
cries, stampeded, carrying the ramp with the African on it, tumbling down
the hill, rolling over the opposition virtually destroying it. One of the
survivors painfully arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?"

An anguished companion stammered, "I'm not sure, but it looked like ... a
rambling rack from George's attack and an elephant engineer.

-----

Q: Why is a man so intelligent during sex?
A: Because he is plugged into a woman!

-----

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into
bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the
couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Because it's Lent!"

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,...  that is the most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

-----

In Melbourne Australia, one of the radio stations pay money, ($100-500),
for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This mornings one
netted the proud owner $300 AUD.

As the lady said... "I was due later that week for an appointment with the
gynocologist when early one morning I received a call from his office that
I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 09:30. I had only just
packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The
trip to his office usually took about thirty five minutes so I didn't have
any time to spare.

As most women do I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to
make the full effort.

So I rushed up stairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the flannel and gave
myself a wash in front of the basin taking extra care to make sure I was
presentable. Threw the flannel in the wash basket, donned some clothes,
hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room
only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as I'm sure
you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some otherplace a million miles away
from here.

I was a little surprised when he said, "My my.. we have taken a little
extra effort this morning haven't we?".

The appointment over I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of
the day went as normal, some shopping, cleaning, the evening meal etc....
At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school
dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum - where's my flannel?".

I called back for her to get another from the linen cupboard, she called
back "No - I need my one that was here by the basin. It had all my glitter
and sparkles in it".

-----

A rich man calls his house in the middle of the day.

"Hello", says a strange voice on the other end.

"Who in the world is this?" asked the rich man.

"I'm the maid", says the voice.

"The maid? We don't have a maid!"

"Well, the lady of the house hired me today, sir", said the voice.

"Look", said the rich man, "Just put my wife on the line. Tell her it's her
husband"

On the other end not a peep is heard.

"Hello", says the rich man, "Are you still there?"

"Yes sir. But, you see, I just saw the lady of the house walk into her
bedroom with a man I assumed was her husband", said the frightened maid.

Fuming with anger the rich man says, "How would you like to make a quick
$50,000?"

"Why, sure, " said the maid.

"In the living room there is a gun cabinet. Grab a gun and shoot those two
cheating %&^$a!!!!"

The maid put the phone down. A second later two gun shots are heard.

"I did it, sir", says the maid.

"Great!", says the rich man. "I will pay you later".

"Sir, what should I do with the bodies?" asked the maid.

"Throw them in the pool", says the rich man.

"Pool?", responds the maid. "There's no pool here"

The rich man thinks for a second, "Wait a minute....is this 555-8723?"

-----

There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a
Vancouver guy.  They come across a lantern and a genie pops out, "I will
give you each one wish, that's three wishes."

So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was
a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of
fish". 'FOOM' the oceans were full.

The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing
will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall." The genie says "Well
its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."

-----

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection.  Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman
rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,
pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in
first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared
to administer artificial respiration.  At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."



The World's Shortest Books...

      25.  "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
      24.  "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
      23.  "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
      22.  The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
      21.  Human Rights Advances in China
      20.  "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
      19.  Al Gore: The Wild Years
      18.  Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
      17.  America's Most Popular Lawyers
      16.  Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
      15.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
      14.  Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
      13.  Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
      12.  Easy UNIX
      11.  Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
      10.  Everything Men Know About Women
      9.   Everything Women Know About Men
      8.   The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
      7.   George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
      6.   "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
      5.   Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
      4.   One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
      3.   Staple Your Way to Success
      2.   The Amish Phone Directory

  And the #1 World's Shortest Book:

      1.   French Hospitality



   A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar
in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied
an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white
plaits,wrinkled face.
   'Who's he?' said the scouser.
   'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He
can remember any fact. Go and try him out.'
   So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English
football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'.
   'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man.
   'Who did they beat?'
   'Leeds' was the reply.
   'And the score?'
   '2-1'
   'Who scored the winning goal?'
   'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply.
   The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about
the Memory Man when he got back.
   A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the
impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the
same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more
wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the
Indian in his native tongue.
   He approached him with the greeting 'How'.
   The Memory Man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

   A doctor is doing routine breat examinations at an American
college.The first girl comes in,takes off her blouse,and as she does,
the doctor notices that the girl has a red "H" imprinted on her
stomach.After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how the H came
about.
   "Well", she says "My boyfriend comes from Harvarad, and he is so
proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even
when we make love."
   "fair enough", thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor
is suprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same
thing,except hers is a red "Y".Again the doctor asks how it came about.
   "Well", she says "my boyfriend is from Yale, and he is so proud of
the school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make
love".
   The next girl enters, takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that
on her stomach is a red "M".
   "Aha", says the doctor "Do you have a boyfriend in Michigan ???"
   "No", replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin, why do you ask
??"

Makes you wonder about the state of our world...

   1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

   2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.

   3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles
on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction
of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted,and one man required seven stitches after
he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

   4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons,setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.

   5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but
by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had
boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back
pain.

   6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript
to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

   7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he
went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him
paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he
returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

   8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.

   9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call
the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.

   10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole
a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped
aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.



1. Does a lorry with a cargo of birds weigh less when they are flying
   around than when they are on their perches?
2. So where is the skin of your teeth?
3. Is there any need to say prayers when you get to heaven?
4. What's so right about rain?
5. How can you be beside yourself?
6. Shouldn't an each way bet on a horse mean there & back?
7. Who invented beds?
8. How do plants know when to stop growing?
9. Can falling over backwards really help someone?
10. What happened to the children of Father Christmas?
11. What's the point of those loops between the shoulder blades that
    come with some shirts?
12. How can a guess be educated?
13. Why don't we ever see 10 green bottles hanging on a wall?
14. Are thieves really thick?
15. Why do we say the kettle's boiling when it never does?
16. How can a single television be a set?
17. Has anyone who's really happy ever been on cloud eight?
18. What is a fly-by-night by day?
19. When was the last month of Sundays?
20. Would a social worker's crazy paving be merely misunderstood?
21. What was Captain Hook's name before he lost his hand?
22. What do frogs get in their throats?
23. Why do water biscuits taste so dry?
24. Why do oven gloves never have any fingers in them?
25. Why should a miss be compared to a mile?


 /*
TOP SECRET Microsoft_  Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
 */

#include "dos.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
      while(!CRASHED)
      {
    display_copyright_message(); display_bill_rules_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
    if (first_time_installation)
        {
        make_50_megabyte_swapfile(); do_nothing_loop();
            totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system(); search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
            hang_system();
        }

    write_something(anything); display_copyright_message();
        do_nothing_loop(); do_some_stuff();
    if (still_not_crashed)
        {
       display_copyright_message(); do_nothing_loop();
           basically_run_windows_3.1(); do_nothing_loop(); do_nothing_loop();
        }
      }

     if (detect_cache())
     {
    disable_cache();
     }

     if (fast_cpu())
     {
    set_wait_states(lots); set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
        set_mouse(action, jumpy); set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
     }

    /* Printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
        Printf("Welcome to Windows98");
        if (system_ok())
       crash(to_dos_prompt);
    else
       system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

        while(1)
           {
          sleep(5);
          get_user_input();
          sleep(5);
          act_on_user_input();
          sleep(5);
           }

       create_general_protection_fault();
}


Subject: Darwin


This is really horrible. Be warned.



Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given
out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a
thing.

A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score big
with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the mood, he
drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city of Tucson.
They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city lights. Overcome
by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and they stripped down,
made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began making love.

The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder
inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of
lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great
trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of
electrical activity during the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a
bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be
the pre-med student's ass, and sought the  path of least resistance ---
straight down!

Incredibly, he survived,  but was in excruciating pain.  The heat of the
lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers were now
stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately, did NOT
survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down into the vacant
eyes of his girlfriend and realized she  was dead, his immediate repulsion
caused him to jerk away from her,  which of course, he couldn't! A wave of
pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving
only caused more  pain and repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.

Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese
lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the
dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there was
little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror, the bear
became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly
crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The bear also tasted
the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving
on.

Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was
parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls
discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the
night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl about
20-feet.

Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse, but
Mr. Happy
looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first
hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the student was unable---and
unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a
reasonably functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to
by the  doctors as the "scrotum mass," are reparable.

Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously,
we think this guy deserves consideration since he  successfully removed
himself from the gene pool.